An Adventure With Aliens
by A. Kingsleigh
Summary: After all they've been through, the last thing that the pirates need is excitement. But when a strange blue box containing an even stranger man drops from the sky, they're catapulted into an adventure filled with wonders unlike anything they've ever seen. They'd be enjoying every minute of it, if they weren't so busy running for their lives. Story #4 of the Piratesverse.
1. Chapter 1: Crashdown

**Well, here we are. It's finally happening.**

**It was always going to happen. It had to happen. I'm just the person who decided to make it happen.**

**Enjoy.**

**DISCLAIMER: The Pirates belongs to Gideon DeFoe and Aardman, while Doctor Who belongs to the BBC.**

* * *

"So...what are we looking for, exactly?"

"You'll see. Keep looking straight up."

"You know I haven't got much of a neck, Albino Pirate!"

Ignoring the Pirate With Gout's comment, the Albino Pirate grabbed Charles's pocketwatch yet again. Only half a minute to midnight - it always happened at midnight.

Charles yawned, partially because he was tired and partially to get his friend's attention. "Can't we do this another - "

"No! It's about to happen! You must keep looking up!"

"We don't even know what we're looking _for."_

"You'd call me silly if I just told you about it." The Albino Pirate was straining his neck in a desperate attempt to look at the spot of sky directly above him. "Only a few moments more." _Three, two, one...__  
_

"...There!"_  
_

The Pirate With Gout was unamused. "There _what?"_

"There, there! Right above me! Didn't you see it?"

"No," his friends said in unison.

"Well...well, look again! It's easy to see - "

"That you need to get more rest," Charles interrupted.

The Albino Pirate's face fell. "I thought you two would see it."

"Perhaps another time," answered the Pirate With Gout. He and Charles climbed out of the crow's nest, down the rigging and back to the deck.

The Albino Pirate remained, angry in his own eccentric way. It wasn't his fellow pirates that annoyed him; he knew in his little pirate heart that even if they had seen this strange event, they would have been unable to do anything about it. No, it was the mystery of it all which he was upset about. Not knowing _why_ this happened or _how._ What he really wanted were the answers to such questions.

At that moment, something occurred which had never occurred before.

A strange noise found their way to the Albino Pirate's ears. It was faint and rather far away, but he could make it out. It came from the sky, and it was unlike any of the sky noises which he knew of. Or any regular noises, for that matter.

_Vworp, vworp, vworp._

No sooner had the sound faded away than a brilliant light abruptly appeared in the sky. It was quite sizable, and it was moving across the heavens at a rapid pace.

The Albino Pirate grinned. Why hadn't he ever thought of making a wish?

Quickly closing his eyes, he mumbled his request under his breath. "I wish someone would tell me why the stars are going out."

He looked up again. To his surprise, the shooting star was still on the move. It was getting larger, and brighter...

...and _closer._

He abandoned the crow's nest in a flash _"HELP, HELP!" _he shrieked, running around in circles on the deck. "I've made the wishing star angry and now we're all going to DIE!"

The Pirate With Gout poked his head out of the hold. "Now what are you going on abouAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

The star was on a collision course with the Pirate Ship, and it was time for the collision part. But rather than blowing its target to smithereens, it bounced off the roof of the Pirate Captain's cabin and rolled across the deck, narrowly missing the Albino Pirate and banging into the mast, where it finally stopped.

When the boat finally stopped shaking, the crew poured from the hold onto the deck. Most were still in their pajamas, and everyone was chattering at the top of their lungs. "Are we sinking?" "Do they have quakes at sea?" "Didn't I _tell_ you all they'd get around to inventing cannonballs that you drop from the sky?"

All talk stopped when the cabin door slammed open. Out strode the Pirate Captain, clad in his nightgown and slippers and carrying a quivering Polly under his arm. "Is everyone alright?" he asked urgently. They thought so. "Then what's happened?"

The Pirate With Gout pointed to the Albino Pirate, who was currently trying to see how invisible he could make himself.

"Albino Pirate?"

The lad trembled. "A-All I did was wish on the star."

"What star?"

It was then that the pirates finally took a good look at the object which had attacked them. Some backed away in fear, while others stayed rooted where they were in shock. The Albino Pirate stepped forward in wonder. "I didn't think it would be so...like that."

Lying on its side before them was a big wooden box, tall enough for a man to fit comfortably inside and painted a deep shade of blue. It had windows which one could not see through, and the side of it that faced the crew was a set of doors. Words were printed above these doors; **POLICE PUBLIC CALL BOX**.

Maybe the wish had been granted after all. "Hello...?"

The box's doors abruptly flew open. Out came billows of thick white smoke, along with the sound of a voice. "What's gotten _into_ you...?"

A man crawled out of the box and stood up. He was very tall and thin, with large eyes and hair that stuck up every which way. His clothes were brown and of a very odd cut, and on his feet were funny white shoes. "Donna, come out of there!"

A woman crawled out after him. She was also dressed oddly, and she had a face which seemed accustomed to scowling. "Have you ever thought," she snapped, "of getting a ship that _can't_ steer itself?"

"Something was trying to control her. Or someone."

"They're worse at driving than you, then. Didn't think that was possible."

"Donna, this could be _very not good __- "__  
_

"It worked! It really worked!"

The two strangers finally noticed the Albino Pirate, who was jumping up and down with joy. "That was you?" the man asked, confused and a tad disappointed.

He nodded. "I wished for someone to come help, and now you're here!"

"Help with what?" The man's gaze moved from the young lad to the horror-stricken expressions of his fellow crew members. "Oh, hello," he said pleasantly. "Nice to meet you. I'm the Doctor. You wouldn't happen to have noticed anything strange recently, would you?"

The dumbstruck pirates could only nod awkwardly. The Pirate Captain felt for his cutlass, only to realize that he'd left it in his cabin. _Barnacles._

"Now, if you want to survive, you all need to do exactly as I say - "

But before he could continue, a hand reached up from behind him and pinched him between his neck and shoulder.

The Doctor suddenly became very quiet for a moment before crumpling to the deck. Behind him stood Charles, who was trying not to quiver. "I...wasn't expecting that to work, actually."

"At least it did," said the Pirate With A Scarf.

The woman, who had been rather inattentive up to this point, now stared at Charles in shock. "Where'd you come from? And how'd you manage _that?"__  
_

"It was just constricting blood flow and nerve responses to the brain, he's only unconscious - "_  
_

_"You've shut him up."_

He was properly quivering now. "I'm sorry...?"

"Sorry? I've been trying to do that for _months!_ Think you can tell me how?"

The Pirate Captain found his voice again. "Don't just stand there, lads! Get her!"

They were upon her in an instant, grabbing her arms and pushing her towards the captain.

"Now," he said, assuming an air of authority, "you can explain what's going on here, _or else."_

"Or else what?"

"Ye'll walk the plank!" said the Pirate With Gout, poking her in the side with his crutch.

"Oi! Ease off, Smee!"

He shrank back. "Pirate With Gout, if you please."

"Um...alright." She returned her attention to the captain. "Pirates? Could be worse, I suppose." She shook off the men restraining her and offered him her hand. "Donna Noble."

"The Pirate Captain." He took Donna's hand and gingerly shook it. "And you're from...?"

"Chiswick."

"Are the stars going out there?" the Albino Pirate asked.

Donna did a double take. "You've seen that, too?"

"Lots of times."

"What's all this about stars?" the Pirate Captain asked.

"It's a long story, and you're probably not gonna believe it."

"We've seen plenty of odd things, Miss Noble."

"Just Donna, please. Can we talk about this somewhere else? It's freezing out here."

* * *

**Yes, I knocked out the Doctor with the Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Which was used in a very early episode of Doctor Who from 1964, two years before the original Star Trek even aired.**

**Anyway, the madness has begun. Mwa-ha-ha.  
**

**~ A. Kingsleigh  
**


	2. Chapter 2: 1838

**DISCLAIMER: We all know the drill.**

* * *

First the Library and River, then Midnight, and now _this._ Did the universe have some sort of vendetta against this particular version of him?

One moment, the Doctor and Donna had been settling the matter of where to go next with a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. The next moment, they had been thrown out of their seats as the TARDIS lurched violently and spun out of control, alarms blaring and smoke pouring from its console.

"Is it that hand again?" Donna yelled to him as she held onto the railing for dear life.

"Brilliant question, just about to ask that myself!" None of the controls seemed to be working. Not even a good whack from the mallet had any effect.

"'Cos if it is, I swear I'll - "

But the Doctor had already tuned her out. The TARDIS was trying to speak with him. Something was pulling her, she said. Something powerful.

"What is it?"

She wasn't sure.

"Where's it pulling you to?"

Nowhere good.

Dropping the mallet, he hurried to a spot on the railing as far away from the doors as possible. "Hang on, Donna!"

_"Thanks for the tip!"_

With another great lurch, the TARDIS was ripped from the Time Vortex. Spinning around even faster than before, it tipped upside down and quickly headed that way. _Whoever's trying to get at us,_ the Doctor thought, _they're certainly in a hurry._

_BANG! _The TARDIS bounced off of something and sailed off in another direction, only to hit a flat surface. It rolled around a few more times before hitting yet another barrier and finally coming to rest on its side with a shudder.

Groaning, the Doctor dragged himself to the console monitor and tried getting her started again. No use - the shock of the incident had left her too out of sorts to move. He wasn't sure whether or not to venture outside and see where they had landed, but the smoke was beginning to fill up the control room. Not much choice. He made his way to the doors and pushed them open, despite the TARDIS' protests. She hadn't been this scared since the Master had gotten his hands on her last Christmas. "What's gotten _into_ you...?"

He stumbled outside, and his lungs instantly filled with cool night air. Earth air, to be exact. _That's a start._ "Donna, come out of there!"

She crawled out, coughing loudly and giving him her finest glare. "Have you ever thought of getting a ship that _can't_ steer itself?"

"Something was trying to control her," he explained. "Or someone."

Donna rolled her eyes. "They're worse at driving than you, then," she said, looking at the overturned box. "Didn't think that was possible."

He was in no mood for her jabs. "Donna, this could be _very not good - "_

"It worked! It really worked!"_  
_

Their heads snapped in the direction of the new voice. Standing before them was a young albino lad in pale, raggedy clothing who looked positively thrilled at the whole situation. Well, he wasn't _that_ young - about seventeen or so, the Doctor judged - but the gleam in his eyes was one more likely to be found in a six year-old.

"That was you?" the Doctor asked him. True, there were some children fully capable of sending entire planets into oblivion just because they felt like it, but he was expecting someone a bit more...fearsome.

The boy happily nodded. "I wished for someone to help, and now you're here!"

Help. That he could handle. "Help with what?"

As the smoke cleared, the Doctor took notice of the motley bunch standing behind the boy. The night was too dark to see them clearly, but he could make out their terrified faces. He tried to make himself sound harmless. "Oh, hello. Nice to meet you. I'm the Doctor. You wouldn't happen to have noticed anything strange recently, have you?" _Of **course** they have!_

They nodded, still too surprised to speak. _If they're this close to the source of the pull, they could be in danger. _He was all authority at once. "Now, if you want to survive, you all need to do exactly as I say - "

Then someone grabbed him from behind. There was a brief sensation of blood draining from his brain, and that was the end of that.

* * *

He woke up staring into the face of a bright blue dodo. It gently poked his face a few times, let out a loud squawk and hopped off of him. Sitting up, he realized that he had been draped across two chairs in a rather sizable ship cabin. At least, it would be rather sizable if it wasn't packed with portraits, trinkets and the people from before.

The dodo trotted across the floor to a wooden desk, on the end of which sat Donna. "Morning, Doctor. So tell me, what _else_ did my history teacher lie to me about?"

"Where are we...?"

That was when he caught sight of the monkey. It was sitting by Donna's feet, wearing a blue striped shirt and hat emblazoned with a skull and crossbones. Out of nowhere he produced a pair of notecards. **_Hello. Doctor._**

He was on his feet in an instant. A dodo? A monkey that talked with notecards? _No way..._

A large grin spread across his face as he realized exactly whose company he was in. _"Brilliant!"_

The cabin door opened. "What's brilliant?"_  
_

He recognized the man instantly by his beard. "I'll tell you what!" he cried, advancing on him. "You're the Pirate Captain! And this is your crew! It's a _honor_ to meet you, I'm _such_ a big fan, I've read _all_ your stories. Have the Games happened yet? How about the Shark vs. Dracula Question? Blue Mud? Good one, that. _Well, _except for that one bit. And that other bit. But you know what I mean."

"Not really."

"You don't?" He turned to look at the rest of the crew. "What year is this, exactly?"

"1838," Charles answered from a corner of the room.

The Doctor immediately trained his sights on him. "There _you_ are, the great Mr. Darwin himself!" he exclaimed, backing the object of his gushing into the wall with his enthusiasm. "How's the science going? You got that fancy quarterstaff yet?"

Donna sighed. "Doctor..."

"You know, I think this might be the same year that - "

"Doctor, you're scaring 'im."

The Doctor immediately quieted down and backed off. "Right. Sorry. Not yet."

Charles cast a worried glance towards Donna. "Is he usually like this?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

By now, most of the pirates were thoroughly fascinated with this strange Doctor whom Miss Noble had been telling them about. Except for the Pirate With A Scarf, who continued to eye him suspiciously. "What are you a doctor of, might I ask?" he said.

"...Miscellany." A far off look came into the Doctor's eyes.

"Odd choice of study."

The Doctor didn't hear him. He only heard the TARDIS. She wanted to leave, and leave right this moment. But that wasn't the only message he was getting. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the psychic paper and flipped it open. Four words were scrawling themselves onto the surface; DON'T TRY TO RUN.

That was when the door slammed open. "By order of Her Majesty the Queen, you are all under arrest!"

* * *

**Eh, that probably could have been better. But never fear, for the mystery shall continue in Chapter 3, when we become reacquainted with a certain dumpy little queen and meet some of her new allies...**

**~ A. Kingsleigh**


	3. Chapter 3: The Queen & The Bishop

**In the last chapter, I was letting out all my glee at these two sets of characters being in the same room, only to be interrupted by the arrival of the plot. Quite rude of the plot to do that, wasn't it? Never fear, for it shall probably be an interesting plot. But I wouldn't take my word for it.**

**DISCLAIMER: Maybe I would if I had the ability of lucid dreaming, but I can't even do ****_that._**

* * *

To be perfectly honest, the Pirate Captain had gotten just a bit tired of lying low for the past six months. A good adventure was like a shanty or a Ham Night; liable to get out of control, but still useful for preventing boredom. Of course, he preferred an adventure with minimal threat to life and limb, thank you very much.

This adventure was most certainly not shaping up to be one of those.

One Union Jack-flying boat was next to the Pirate Ship, another was behind it, and redcoats were swarming about the deck. The pirates had been forced from the cabin at the points of several swords, and they were now standing in a bunch on the deck inside a circle of bayonets. All the while, men were searching through everything they could get their hands on. Chests, sacks, barrels - some were even tapping the mast to see if it was hollow. They weren't clapped in chains or hauled off onto the other ship or anything. It was as though they didn't even matter.

Just as the Pirate Captain was beginning to tap his foot impatiently, a stuffy-looking man in a powdered wig stepped into the circle and approached him."Oh," he said with a hint of disgust in his voice. "It's you."

"We haven't plundered anything, if that's what you're after," the captain said, launching into his prepared speech. "Not in a year. We aren't even very good at it - "

The man held up a hand to silence him. "We do not care, Pirate Captain."

"You care enough to take over our ship!"

"Her Majesty the Queen and her advisers have sent us here on a search mission. Something of great value is located at these exact coordinates."

"Tell her we've gone over the whole Polly business and that I'd rather shave my beard than go over it again - "

"Sir! Sir!" A man had just come out of the cabin, with the Doctor and Donna following him. "These two were hiding under the desk."

"Morning," said the Doctor as he pulled out his psychic paper. "Think you might have the wrong ship. Allow me to introduce myself - "

The man in the wig immediately pointed a pistol between his eyes. "Excellent! You have found him!"

"...What?"

"The Doctor is here, men!" he shouted to the others. "Just as they said he would be!"

_"What?"_

"You, your companion and your TARDIS are to be brought back to London at once!"

_"WHAT?"_

The pirates winced, and Charles even shuddered a bit. **_Nice. Knowing. You,_ **spelled Mr. Bobo.

Donna took notice of this. "And why are we in trouble, exactly?" she asked.

"How should I know?" snapped Powdered Wig Man, who then turned on his heel and marched off. "Prepare this vessel for towing," he said to his men. "The pirates will be accompanying us."

"But you said you didn't _care_ what we did!" sputtered the Pirate With A Scarf.

"She still does."

* * *

_BANG!_

Victoria nodded with approval at the bullet hole which was now in the Pirate Captain's insufferably large smile. Aiming her revolver once more, she fired off two more shots at the wanted poster. _BANG, BANG!_ One hit his nose, and the other lodged itself right between his eyes. She was getting ready to blow one of his eyes out when a frantic knocking at the study door broke her concentration. "Enter," she said, letting her voice drip with annoyance.

A young page quickly hopped in one leg. Latched onto the other was a goodly sized King Charles spaniel with an air of wickedness about it. "Y-Your Majesty?" the boy stammered fearfully. "Could you perhaps...?"

"Dash, the servants are not food."

Dash immediately released his victim and went to curl himself around Victoria's feet.

"Now," continued the queen, "do have anything _important_ to say?"

"...You have two visitors, Your Majesty. Oxford and..." He gulped. "...the other one."

"I shall speak with Oxford first. Send him in."

The page hurried away. "And make sure they don't see each other!" Victoria yelled after him before reluctantly putting away her gun. _Let's get this over with.__  
_

After a few minutes, the doors opened once again. "Good day, Your Majesty."

She tried not to tense up at the site of him. "Good day, bishop."

The new Bishop of Oxford, Victoria had decided, was not a conventional man of the cloth by any means. No conventional man of the cloth went about wearing inky black robes all the time. He was a very old man; he had abnormally pale skin, a face full of wrinkles, a wispy white moustache, bony hands with claw-like fingernails and two beady little dark eyes.

Victoria could count on one hand the number of people whom she found genuinely unsettling, and he made the list.

"You know why am I here," he said, fixing his gaze on her accusingly.

"The ship _will_ be completed," she answered curtly. "And you still have not said why you are opposed to it."

"I am not." He smiled. "Wars are a fine thing for those who win them. My concern is with a different matter entirely."

"Which is?"

"The workers."

"...What about them?"

He began to circle her, ignoring Dash's angry barks. "Ordinary men cannot build with such speed as they have. And why is it that they are only heard at night? Is it true that humans are struck blind by their ugliness?"

Her expression never changed from one of boredom.

"Some are beginning to say," he whispered, "that you have made a pact with Satan in exchange for them."

She stared at him coldly. "Bishop, I have _no earthly idea_ what you are talking about."

Still he continued to glide around her like a jellyfish. "You have fear in your eyes, madam. And if you are innocent, why is there a drop of sweat on your brow?"

That was quite enough. "We have concluded our business, sir!" Victoria said, finally turning on him. "You have my answer, and you are not to come here again."

Dash began to snap at the hem of the bishop's robe, driving him towards the door. Giving her one last glare and the dog a good kick, he swept out of the room in a cold fury.

Victoria whistled to Dash, and he came running back to her side. "I don't like him either, Dashy," she said as she picked the dog up and stroked him.

"Greetings, Queen of England! I bring you favorable reports!"

She looked up and smiled happily at the sight of her other visitor. "Greetings. What news?"

"We predict that the vessel shall be complete in a fortnight!"

"Lovely. You and your soldiers are to ready yourselves for battle as soon as possible."

"With _honor_. I also bring word that the osmic projector was successful in intercepting the Doctor, and that he has been retrieved! He arrives in London this very night! How soon will you see him?"

"At once. Is he really as dangerous as you say?" she asked excitedly.

"Once, but no longer. Will you be receiving the other prisoners as well?"

"What other prisoners?"

"The pirates that you often speak of."

Victoria grinned. "Bring them in. Bring them _all_ in."

"They shall be taken to the palace as soon as the ship docks. That is all, queen." Her visitor turned and marched out of the room.

Victoria rushed off to give Dash his bath. They both had to start getting ready - this evening would be most eventful.

* * *

**First, I just want to say that if you've already managed to figure out who the aliens in this thing are, please keep the other readers in mind and do not spoil it. Your suspicions will be confirmed in the next chapter. Thank you.**

**Second, I have an announcement! I've made a page on TvTropes for The Piratesverse! Mostly because I was bored, but still. If you want to check it out, google "tvtropes the piratesverse" and you'll find it right away.  
**

**Well, gotta go!  
**

**~ A. Kingsleigh  
**


	4. Chapter 4: Victoria's Secret

**Hello, everyone! Glad I was finally able to get cracking on this chapter. Just after getting over my annual cold, I was struck with a severe case of the dreaded writers' block. And just after I was getting over ****_that,_**** I discovered this ****_incredible_**** new video game called Journey and simply ****_had_**** to watch every YouTube walkthrough of it I could find. I don't have a PS3, but it makes me wish I did...**

**But enough of my rambling! I've got a chapter to write for you! ****_Let the carnage begin!_**

**DISCLAIMER: Pirates belongs to Aardman, and Doctor Who belongs to the BBC.**

* * *

The sun was sinking behind the London skyline when the three ships arrived, giving it an ominous glow of red that spoke volumes to the frightened pirates. It was enough to make the Pirate Captain stuff Polly into his beard. They looked at Execution Dock almost wistfully while passing by - such a fate would be preferable to what awaited them.

No time was wasted. As soon as they docked, the crew and their two new friends were released from their confinement in the hold and marched down the ramp onto the cobblestone pier, where a black carriage surrounded by guards stood waiting to receive them. They were squeezed into it, the TARDIS was loaded onto a wagon and both vehicles set off into the labyrinthine city.

They didn't speak for a while, which made the Doctor's sudden outburst even more startling. "Of _course!"_ he exclaimed. "I've got an idea!"

"We're going to take back the ship and get out of here?" Charles asked hopefully.

"Eventually, eventually." He began to ramble as everyone gave him odd looks except the Pirate Captain, who was interested in his words, and Donna, who ignored them. "Now if I'm correct, and I usually am, then we're being taken to the Tower of London - "

"Hold that thought!" the captain said, rummaging around in his beard. After a second, he pulled out a crisp new map and unfolded it. Sketched on the paper was a highly detailed floor plan of the tower, proudly flaunting all its secret passageways and exits. "Picked this up a few months back, just in case," he explained.

The Pirate With A Scarf looked at it in surprise. He'd never been told about this. "Why didn't you - "

He was cut off as the Doctor abruptly sat down between him and the captain, nudging him out of the way to make more room. "Good for you, looking ahead! I like it!" Together they eagerly pored over the map, finishing each others comments and pointing out things which the other had missed.

Even after summoning all his patience and self-control, the Pirate With A Scarf was still finding it very hard to resist saying _exactly_ what he thought of the scene next to him.

Presently the captain beckoned for his crew to give him their ears. "Now," he said in a lowered voice, "the Doctor's going to get us out of whatever cell we're tossed in, and then we're going to head for the armory on the south end. Then it's just a quick slide down the trap door and _bingo!_ Any questions?"

"Yeah," said Donna, staring out the window. "That map have Buckingham Palace on the flipside?"

Everyone stared at her blankly for a moment before registering what she meant. In a moment they were all crowding around the doors and poking their heads out the windows. "You _can't_ be _serious!"  
_

Looming before them, looking quite elegant and infinitely terrifying, was the home of Queen Victoria herself.

* * *

"I think there's been a bit of a mix-up," the Pirate Captain said to the bulky guards. "You see, it just so happens that we've done something _wrong._ People who've done something _wrong_ usually don't come _here._ Although I suppose the argument could be made that we've done something _very_ wrong, but I would say that's debatable..."

The guards simply ignored his words and shut the tall oaken doors of Victoria's throne room in his face.

At least, he supposed it was the throne room. Most throne rooms were pretty similar, going from what he'd read and seen of them. You had to have a big chair with your royal crest on it - well, there it was, thankfully absent of its owner. A bunch of fancy stuff on the walls were generally in order, and Victoria had plenty of that; flags and columns and tables with vases and paintings of dead people. _Lots_ of those.

The Doctor was more interested in the three big glass windows and the little balcony which lay beyond them. Licking one of the panes, he rolled the taste around in his mouth to analyze the substance. _Impossible._ He licked it again, just to be sure. Yep, that's what it was. "Reinforced glass," he declared, giving the window a hard rap and not making one dent. "Wasn't made on Earth, that's for certain. And not punchable." He felt around in his pockets for his sonic screwdriver. Which, he suddenly realized, was in his coat. Which was in the TARDIS. "We'll get to those later. Right now, I suggest we - Donna, what are you _doing?"_

Donna was trying to take one of the pictures off the wall. "You said Vicky had some kind of setup in the tower? With trap doors?"

"So?"

She gave him her 'you're being stupid again' look. _"So?_ Who's to say she hasn't rigged up this place? Crazy people make pretty good plans, you know."

This gave the Pirate Captain an idea. Approaching the throne and seating himself upon it, he began to examine the armrests. Sure enough, there were two small buttons embedded in the left one. _Eenie, meenie, miney..._

"Let's not get too excited," the Pirate With A Scarf was saying. "There might not be any. They'd be harder to cover up, after all - "_  
_

_"AAAHHHH!"_

They all spun around, just in time to see the throne and the tiles it stood on drop out of sight, with the Pirate Captain aboard._  
_

"Or not."

* * *

Victoria smiled as she heard the trap come down. He had found it after all. Flipping a switch to light up the cavernous room, she positioned herself on the upper level overlooking the floor and tried to look more menacing than usual. "Good _evening,_ Doctor," she said as she turned around. "At last we meet - "

But it wasn't the Doctor. It was _him._

The Pirate Captain noticed her as well, and he was bolting for the corner in the same amount of time it took for her to come racing down the stairs with her revolver in hand. _"Must? You? Ruin? Everything? I? **PLAN?"**_she screamed as she attacked him, each word punctuated with a gunshot.

"Ha! That was six bullets!" the captain dared to shout, then jumped back as she hurled the gun at him.

"Where is he?" she demanded.

"I'm not sure...?"

"We're coming, Captain!" he heard the Albino Pirate shout. _Oh, perfect._

They all tumbled down one after another, making a tangled pile on the floor that slowly fell apart. The Albino Pirate was the first on his feet. "Get away from the captain!" he shouted, putting on the closest thing he had to an angry face.

Victoria merely gave him a dark look, and he immediately went screaming off into a corner. She turned her attention to the rest of the pirates. "Well? You're supposed to start helping!"

"We'd be happy to help you find a normal hobby, if that's what you're after."

For a split second, she let her surprise show. She occasionally heard rumors to the effect of Mr. Darwin having gone pirate, but she'd assumed he was too cowardly for such an act and too useless if he wasn't. "Oh, _Charles,"_ she said, fluttering her eyelids. "Not you, too?"

He simply nodded his head in acknowledgment. That was it. No hint of attraction, no bitterness, no emotion whatsoever.

Pity. He'd made such a fine puppet.

She returned her attention to the full group. "Fine. I'll settle for your heads, then."

Still silently defiant, they slunk off towards the Pirate Captain, leaving behind a shocked man and woman dressed even more ridiculously than they were.

Although she had never seen the man, she could guess who he was at once. _"There_ you are!"

The Doctor froze, his eyes bugging out of his head. There went the preservation of his timeline.

"You are the Doctor, I presume." No answer from him.

"How's it any of your business?" said Donna as she picked herself back up.

Batting her aside, Victoria continued to examine the Doctor. "Are you?"

Maybe he could work his way out of this. Get close enough to erase her memory. "...Perhaps."

The queen looked disappointed. "I thought you'd be scarier." She came closer. "They made you sound so scary, Doctor. So scary and yet so _interesting."_

"You're not trying to eat him, are you?" the Pirate Captain groaned._  
_

_"SHUT UP! _No need to worry, Doctor, you're far too valuable for such a thing. At the moment."_  
_

"Then tell us what we _have_ been dragged down here for!" Donna said impatiently.

Victoria looked at her with disdain. "Oh, I suppose." She hadn't been planning to let the others live, but what harm could they cause? Motioning for the Doctor to follow her, she began to stride around. "What do you think of my war room, Doctor?"

He looked around. "I think you had a little help stocking it."

Computers with complicated keyboards were stationed all around the room, showing images of galaxies nowhere near Earth. A long rack of bizarrely designed guns and swords stood against one wall. Against the opposite wall was a line of covered tubs with small pools of dark green liquid at their bases.

Donna stared. She'd seen this stuff before, but she couldn't quite remember where...

The Doctor did.

Victoria reveled in his consternation. "Want to see the best part?" she asked, flipping a switch.

More lights came up on something at the far end of the room. Sitting in a cage on a platform was the TARDIS.

"Don't look so glum. You'll have it back. _If," _she said. "you'll consider joining the little alliance I've set up. You'd be ever so useful to us."

"You have _no idea_ what you're dealing with."

Victoria grabbed something from the weapon rack - a black baton - and pointed it at him. "Oh, yes I do," she replied with a smirk.

_"Strike,_ then!" exclaimed a voice from the shadows. "Has your training been of no use?"

"Can't I handle this the way I want to?" Victoria called back.

"Words are not adequate weapons!"

"Oh, _alright..."_

A short, stocky and altogether inhuman figure stepped into the light, wielding another baton and dressed in blue armor with a domed helmet. The pirates gaped in horror as he took it off, revealing his wrinkled brown skin and misshapen head. "A true warrior," declared the Sontaran as he aimed his baton at the Doctor, "has no need for speeches! Allow me to demonstrate!"

_ZAP._

* * *

**These are your villains, people. You'll learn to love 'em.  
**

**If you are completely lost, then DON'T PANIC. I will explain more about the Sontarans in the next chapter. They're actually a lot of fun once you get used to them. For now, though, I have to get ready for an improv show, try to talk my mom into taking me to see The Hobbit and prepare my bunker for the disastrous events of next Friday. Wish me luck!  
**

**~A. Kingsleigh  
**

**PS: I apologize for the awful pun that is the title of this chapter. It was begging to be made.  
**


	5. Chapter 5: Fugitives

**I hate to be the bearer of sad news, but someone has to do it; there are, apparently, no plans for a Pirates 2. And to be perfectly honest, I'm a lot happier about that than I probably should be. No threat of this "canon" thing getting in the way of my mayhem! MWA-HA-HA! Long live the Piratesverse!  
**

**And on that note, enjoy your Apocalypse/early Christmas present. Happy Holidays!  
**

**DISCLAIMER (IN VULCAN, FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER): Nirsh.**

* * *

_ZAP._

The Doctor stepped back, but not quite quickly enough. He slumped to the floor as a beam of orange light shot from the Sontaran's baton hit him right in the legs._  
_

"Is that how it works?" Victoria asked. "Why didn't you just say so?" She came towards the Doctor, pointing her baton at his head.

"Cease your advance," the Sontaran admonished. "To kill an unarmed enemy brings dishonor on you both."

"What happened to wanting him dead? Make your mind up!"

While all this was going on, the pirates were quietly trying to sneak back towards the throne. Polly, however, chose that moment to stick her head out of the Pirate Captain's beard. Upon seeing the strange woman who had tried to eat her arguing with something which could only be described as a giant talking potato, what else could she do but squawk in confusion?

The Sontaran turned around at the noise, saw the pirates and raised his baton at them threateningly. "Halt, sirs! You shall fight for your lives like soldiers!"

"Uh...we can't do that!" the Pirate Captain blurted out. "Because..."

"Because we're not armed," the Pirate With A Scarf finished quickly, holding up his hands to prove his point while motioning for the others to follow his lead. "It wouldn't be cricket for us to fight you without weapons, now would it?"

Instead of putting away his baton as they had hoped, the Sontaran simply glared at them. "Is the insect relevant?"

"No," Victoria snapped. "They don't count. They're just common humans."

The Sontaran aimed his baton. "So they are."

"You know," the Doctor said as he struggled back to his feet, "I remember when you lot were a threat. And _now_ look at you! The finest warriors in the galaxy, hiding in the dark and making humans fight _for_ them!"

"Do not ridicule our superior strategies!" the Sontaran said, turning to face him. "The queen proposed the arrangement. It benefits us both."

"Of _course_ it does. And your leader actually thought this was a good idea?"

"You are speaking _to_ the leader!" The Sontaran drew himself up to his full height, which wasn't very impressive. "I am General Storn of the Thirteenth Sontaran Fleet, known as Storn the Infallible!"

"Ooh, sorry." The Doctor maneuvered himself so that when Storn and Victoria turned to keep their eyes on him, they were facing away from the others. "Thirteen isn't the luckiest number. Nothing you can do to change that. But on the bright side, you _can_ change your nickname." He started to leisurely pace back and forth. _"Infallible._ Clever little word, infallible. Means you can't make a mistake. Thing is_, _General Storn, you've just made the biggest mistake you could."

Storn fired another beam at him, but he sidestepped it. "Aw, don't you want to know what it is?"

"That I have not crushed the life from your inferior form?"

"That you turned around."

It couldn't have been timed more perfectly. Storn abruptly stiffened, then fell forward and landed on his face unconscious. Donna stood behind him, having punched his probic vent. Picking up his baton, she bolted towards the throne with the Doctor, the pirates and Victoria following.

"Quick, which button did you press?" the Doctor asked the Pirate Captain as they and their friends piled onto the platform.

"The one on the left - "

He slammed his fist down onto the other button, and the platform swiftly shot upwards, carrying them out of the room and barely avoiding Victoria's attempt to grab the edge of it.

When the platform had reassumed its position in the throne room, the pirates immediately rushed towards the doors. They could already hear the queen yelling orders at someone beneath the floor.

"Don't!" the Doctor said. "There'll be guards everywhere." He took the baton from Donna, then pointed it at the windows. _ZAP._ One blast, and the center window shattered into microscopic pieces.

"What, we're going through _that?" _the Pirate With A Scarf said. "That's just a drop!"

"I know! Come on!"

The others could now hear several sets of heavy footsteps approaching the room. Reluctantly, they followed the Doctor onto the balcony. There was indeed a drop; about two stories, to be exact, with only a row of bushes to break the fall.

"Please be joking," said the Pirate With Gout.

"Sorry," the Doctor answered, hopping onto the rail. "Would you rather deal with them?"

The doors of the room had opened, and dozens of heavily-armed Sontarans were marching inside.

"Yeah, I thought so," the Doctor said as he saw his companions' looks of horror. "At least it's worth a shot. _Allons-y!"_

And with that, they all vaulted over the railing and fell to the ground.

* * *

"So," said Donna, "Sontarans were runnin' around London in 1838, Charles Darwin was a pirate and Queen Vicky was a James Bond villain."

_"Well,_ I suppose you could argue that - "

"Quiet!" hissed the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate, pulling the Doctor and Donna back into the shadows. They and the rest of the crew watched as yet another group of Sontarans marched past the pile of barrels concealing them. Only when all was clear again did they dare venture back into the misty London alleyway.

The Pirate With A Scarf immediately turned to the Pirate Captain. "What's the plan, sir?"

"It's not really...how do I put this...?"

"Plausible?"

"Existent."

The pirates stared at him in surprise. Never before had their captain been completely without a plan.

"Now, now, it isn't _that_ bad!" he said quickly. "What we need to do is get the ship back. That's technically a plan. It just needs filling in. Perhaps the Doctor has some ideas!"

That wasn't what they wanted to hear, but they listened anyway.

"If you'll help me get my TARDIS back," the Doctor began, "I'll help you get out of here. Donna and I can handle the Sontarans on our own."

_"Halt!"_

They all froze with fear. Two Sontarans were blocking the street, each pointing a gun at the group. "You and your associates are enemies of the Sontaran Empire, Doctor," one of them declared, "and we are under orders to kill you on sight - AUGH!" He stiffened, dropped his gun and collapsed. Behind him stood a little old man in black robes, wielding one of the batons and looking over the body with disgust.

The second Sontaran aimed his gun. "I command you to - "

_ZAP._ He was paralyzed by a shot to the legs. The man fluidly moved to him and circled him for a moment before abruptly and violently jamming the baton into his probic vent. He gasped, his eyes widened and he fell over dead.

"Why so alarmed?" the man casually asked the shocked fugitives. "They would have done far worse to you. Besides, they all deserve death."

The Doctor stepped forward. "And who are you to decide that?"

"Come now, would you really be ignorant enough to disregard the assistance of an ally?"

"If I don't know who he is, then yes."

"My apologies. Manners are easily forgotten in times such as these." The man bowed deeply. "I am the Bishop of Oxford, leader of the resistance."

* * *

**So that was The Chapter Where Not Much Happens. Next up, The Chapter Where We Learn A Bunch of Stuff. I was going to make them one chapter, but it would've been really long and I wanted to give you guys something before Christmas. I'll be going on a trip shortly afterwards, so I won't be able to work. I'll do what I can, though! Bye!  
**

**~A. Kingsleigh  
**


	6. Chapter 6: The Bishop's Tale

**OH MY GOD! The world didn't end! You guys know what that means? THE DOCTOR DID IT! HE SAVED US!**

**...Yeah, I couldn't resist. **

**DISCLAIMER: Aardman owns Pirates, and the BBC owns Doctor Who. We now return to your regularly scheduled chapter.**

* * *

And here they'd all been, thinking that this adventure couldn't _possibly_ get any stranger.

The Pirate Captain was the first to regain his speaking abilities. "You...leader of...come again...?" Thankfully, the sound of gunshots from a few streets over prevented the need for further conversation.

"They're coming," said the Bishop, "If you wish to survive the night, I suggest you begin heeding my words. Now come." He glided off into the fog, stopping to jab his baton in the probic vent of the first Sontaran he had downed.

The Doctor and the Pirate Captain went after him, but the others held back. "Sir?" the Pirate With A Scarf asked cautiously. "Are you sure we should - "

More gunshots interrupted him, closer this time, and everyone except him rushed off. "Oh, _fine..."_

As he followed his friends, he couldn't help but notice that it had abruptly gotten much warmer once the Bishop had departed._  
_

Sneaking down alleys and ducking into shadows, the party slowly made its way across London. The clunking of the marching Sontarans was always just within earshot, occasionally punctuated by the guns.

The Pirate Captain flinched with each noise. "We are going away from them, aren't we?"

"No questions," the Bishop said curtly. "Not yet." At the next corner they reached, he put out a hand to stop them before flowing around the bend like a black mist. Several agonizing seconds later, he reappeared. "We're here," he whispered as he vanished again.

Tripping over their own feet, the others turned the corner. Then they saw where their new friend was headed and stopped dead in their tracks again.

The Bishop eyed their surprise with disdain. "Make haste!" he hissed, crossing the street.

The group approached the building, albeit with caution. They hadn't been sure what to expect from the secret hideout of a bishop. An old church, perhaps, or even a nondescript little house. Certainly not the Royal Society.

Pulling a key from the sleeve of his robe, the Bishop unlocked the front door and hastened the others inside. "We must go to the attic when morning comes, but we are safe."

"But what about those things?" the Albino Pirate asked, detaching himself from the Pirate With Gout's coat.

"They have not yet come here." He pointed to the window. Marching down the street was a large squadron of Sontarans.

Donna shuddered. "So where's everyone else?"

"Everyone else?"

"You said you had a resistance going."

"A resistance of one."

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "Rather brave of you. The queen of Earth's most powerful nation teams up with the universe's greatest army, and little old you decides to have a go at them. What brought that on?"

The Bishop swept past him towards a door in the corner of the room. Behind it lay a dark staircase covered in cobwebs. "There are things," he said, "which you must see."

* * *

The air was even colder than it should have been for an attic in early spring, the Pirate With A Scarf thought.

It was a simple room, just wood and plaster slapped together to make a rectangle. The floorboards creaked softly with each step. A round window in one wall looked out towards the docks. A table covered in papers and melting candles sat in one corner, and small wooden boxes were piled neatly along the walls.

"The disturbances began this time last year," said the Bishop as he lit the candles, casting shadows around the room and on his wiry face. "The queen sailed off in her flagship on some business and was not heard of again. Nor was the boat, for that matter," he added with a knowing glance at the Pirate Captain.

"...Well, if you want to _really_ get into the details, you could say that Charles here _technically_ did it..."

"You did the first half of it!"

"Not currently relevant," the Doctor said quickly. "So when did she turn up again, Bishop?"

"A month afterwards," he answered conspiratorially. "The servants said there was no logical explanation for it. She just _appeared _one day, as though nothing had happened."

"Do you think the Sontarans helped her?"

"I _know_ they did. I've seen them prowling the streets by night, doing her bidding."

"It's not just her bidding if they've agreed to it. What are they doing, exactly?"

The Bishop gestured to the window. "Look upon it yourself."

"I don't see anything," said Charles, who was already there. At that moment, however, something caught his eye. He studied it for a second before gasping and backing away from the window. "She hasn't! She _can't_ have!"

"Not with human workers, no," said the Bishop. "But she has something far more efficient."

The Doctor was at the window in half a second. It was difficult to make out shapes in the dim light, but the shape at the docks was unmistakable.

A warship. A very large, very armored warship.

"Let me guess," said the Doctor. "The QV2?" Just the name made all the pirates tense up with dread.

The Bishop nodded. "She tells me it is nearly finished. Their infernal methods have helped them construct it quickly. I suspect they are planning a conquest. A conquest unlike any the world has ever known."

_So this is what the TARDIS was afraid of. _"Do you know anything else?"

"Only that they must be stopped. That is the role I have taken up." He looked at the Doctor and the Pirate Captain. "There is no doubt of their defeat if you two assist me."

The Doctor returned his gaze suspiciously, but the Pirate Captain seemed more on the fence.

"I know you would prove most useful," the Bishop said. "Your abilities are quite renowned."

The Pirate With A Scarf gripped the Pirate Captain's shoulder. "Sir," he whispered, "I don't like this one bit."

"Sunup ahead, Cap'n!" exclaimed the Pirate With Gout. The first rays of dawn were peeking over the horizon and coming through the window.

The Bishop hurriedly moved away from their path. "You cannot leave now, you would be found by the scientists."

"So we would," said the Doctor. "Mind if we stay up here?"

"In exchange for an answer."

They both seemed a bit hesitant, but they finally spoke. "Just for a bit."

The Bishop smiled, although the crew and Donna judged from the final result that he wasn't exactly accustomed to it. "Then welcome."

* * *

**And that, my dear readers, is what we would call the end of the first act. Kind of odd, seeing as I'm usually halfway through the story by this point. I guess this sucker's gonna be more involved than I thought. Anyway, enjoy this Christmas present and I'll see you next year!**

**~A. Kingsleigh  
**


	7. Chapter 7: Strange Things

**-collapses into chair- Hello, everyone! I'm back from the Arctic! And guess what I've brought for you? That's right, a chapter where stuff actually happens!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters which this stuff happens to.**

* * *

_Clunk, clunk, clunk. _For the third night in a row, the Thirteenth Sontaran Fleet was on the move. They marched through the London night in their well-organized packs, ever on the lookout for the queen's escaped prisoners and never finding them._  
_

In one of these squadrons marched a straggler. Always managing to stay just behind the group, his eyes were darting about and his hands were gripping his gun with excitement. Unlike his fellow soldiers, the expression he wore was one of eagerness. So it was he who noticed the faint flicker of movement behind a row of rusty, innocent-looking trash cans. _There they are!_ Stopping in the street, he aimed his gun at them. "I know you are hiding in there!" he said smugly. "And I know that you are in league with the Moonites! You will tell me where I might find them, and then you shall be obliterated!"

_"Commander Strax!" _a Sontaran voice yelled harshly from up the street. "Resume your position in the formation immediately!"

Strax scowled, first at the cans and then at the sky. "I'm onto you." Cocking his gun, he hurried off to rejoin the others.

For several seconds, nothing happened. Then there was another flicker of movement, and Donna and the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate peeked up from behind the cans. "I don't think that one's well," the latter said.

"Depends on what you mean by well."

The loud chimes of Big Ben got their attention. Four in the morning; the others would be expecting them. They sneaked off towards the base, checking every nook and cranny for danger as they went.

* * *

Charles couldn't fathom why they had to be in so many groups. Wasn't there strength in numbers, he had said, especially with the Sontarans around? But the Bishop had glared at him, the Doctor threw out something about covering more ground and the Pirate Captain just nodded in accordance with his new friend's words. That was all he seemed to do ever since they'd gotten mixed up in this impossible business.

He ran his hand along the shingles of his old house. It was quite a surprise that the thing was still standing. A large part of the roof had caved in, the stone head remained embedded in the floor at the foot of the stairs and everything that could be thrown into disarray had been. It looked just as it had a year ago.

It didn't feel like only a year, though. He'd had trouble finding the place - the map of London in his mind was not as clear as before. The city was colder than he remembered, the air dirtier. _I've been gone longer than I thought._

"Charles!" The Pirate With A Scarf was next to him, snapping his fingers in front of his face. _"Charles!"_

"Sorry, what?"

"Do you see that?" he said, pointing up across the rooftops. Dwarfing the surrounding houses was the Tower, and from its highest window emanated a sickly, pale green glow.

A chill ran down both their spines. Unable to tear their eyes away from the light, they watched as it gradually faded before finally flickering and dying out. They still weren't very familiar with what they were up against, but they were familiar enough to know that Sontarans couldn't do _that._

"They'll want us to take a look at that," the Pirate With A Scarf remarked grimly.

"Maybe there's an explanation for it...?" Charles halfheartedly searched his brain for such an explanation and failed to find one. "Yes, I suppose they will."

Big Ben's chimes were a welcome distraction. _One, two, three, four._

The Pirate With A Scarf sighed in relief. "Come on, then. Don't want to keep them waiting," he said as he started to slide off the roof.

Charles followed without complaint, for it seemed to him that the outside world had just become a little less safe.

* * *

The Doctor was in the Hall of Elements when they returned, having put on his glasses. "Hmm, that's interesting."

"What is?" the Pirate With A Scarf asked.

"What _isn't." _He gestured to the case he stood in front of, which was empty. "Does anyone know what was here before?"

Charles looked at the case. "Only the ruthenium sample," he answered with a shrug. "They probably just took it out to be polished or something. It's not really that important - "

_"Everything's _important!"

"Oi, how about giving us normal people a bit of context?" said Donna in exasperation.

"Ruthenium," the Doctor replied authoritatively. "Atomic number forty-four, member of the platinum group. And right now, it's the rarest metal in the world." He fixed his intent gaze on the others. "Why would they risk damaging it?"

"Well..."

Just then, the doors of the room were flung open, and the Pirate With Gout rushed inside. "Has anyone seen Albino Pirate?"

* * *

_I'm never wishing on stars again,_ the boy thought to himself as he wandered the dark, empty streets. The clouds had covered up the moon, and there were no sounds to be heard. He hadn't the faintest idea where he was, only that he'd rather be somewhere else. _Anywhere_ else, even. Where, oh where was Pirate With Gout?

"What are you doing here?"

The Albino Pirate whirled around with a scream, only to see the Bishop standing behind him. "You'll help me find the others, won't you?" he asked. "It's scary being out here alone."

The Bishop looked him over critically, as though trying to decide what to do with him. "Indeed," he finally said. "But first, there is business which must be seen to." Without waiting for a response, he grabbed the Albino Pirate's little arm in his bony hand and led him off down the street.

"Where are we going?" the Albino Pirate said, struggling to keep up with the old man's swift gait.

"Look ahead."

They were approaching the Tower.

The Albino Pirate tried to pull away, but the Bishop's grip was too tight. "Why do we have to go in _there?"_

"Something lurks within these walls," the Bishop explained as he dragged the young pirate across the courtyard of the ancient castle, towards a small wooden door. "We must find it." Opening the door, he slipped inside into a dark corridor and shut the door behind him, encasing himself and the Albino Pirate in darkness.

The Albino Pirate felt the Bishop release his grip on his arm, followed by the sound of rustling cloth as he slithered away. "Um...hello?" he called. "Aren't I coming?"

There was no answer. In fact, there was no noise at all.

Whimpering, he sat down where he was and curled up into a ball. Many silent minutes passed, and the Bishop did not return. There was nothing there...nothing...except that strange green light coming down the hall...

...then he felt a jolt, and there wasn't even him.

* * *

**Okay, I lied. I didn't really go to the Arctic. I went to Minnesota, which is the next closest thing this time of year.**

**What's that? You want to know if Albino Pirate's still alive? Well, considering some of my past literary actions and the fact that a Doctor Who episode where no one dies is so rare that it requires a celebration...you're gonna find out later. Happy New Year! Toodles!  
**

**~A. Kingsleigh  
**


	8. Chapter 8: Stranger Things

**I don't know if you've heard the good news already, but allow me to share it anyway; Pirates has been nominated for Best Animated Feature! Sure, it probably won't win, but it's the thought that counts! Let's celebrate with a new chapter!  
**

**DISCLAIMER: I will never own any of this stuff.**

* * *

They went back out to look for the Albino Pirate at once, barely returning to the base before sunrise. They did it again the next night, and the night after that. It was no use; at least, that was what the Bishop told them. "They never take prisoners," he said. "Only lives."

Few words were exchanged amongst the crewmembers in the following days, and the Pirate With Gout stopped speaking altogether. The Doctor and Donna also joined in the silent mourning for the fallen lad. Only the Bishop remained unperturbed, continuing to drone on and on about time being of the essence and needing to strike against their enemy. The Pirate Captain and the Doctor took notice - with some reluctance, in the latter's case - but the rest of the pirates didn't, and neither did Donna.

"Is it just me, or does this room get a lot warmer when that Oxford bloke's not around?" she said to the Doctor one night. It had been a week since the Albino Pirate's disappearance, and the duo were in the attic with Charles studying notes cobbled from everyone's observances. Not that there was anything new to discover from them.

"Where's he gone off to, anyway?" Charles asked, his own suspicions apparent in his tone.

The Doctor looked at them. "You don't trust him."

Donna sighed. "Doctor, just 'cos we're humans doesn't mean - "

"You may very well be absolutely right," he said. "I don't, either."

"Then why are we still hangin' around 'im?"

"Because I'm curious." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "Something that never happened and shouldn't have happened is happening at this very moment, and unless we stop it from happening, the rest of history might not happen at all. I've tried telling him so, but he isn't listening. We _know_ what Victoria and the Sontarans are up to and where they're keeping the TARDIS. If we would just go get it, I could end this."

"Why don't we, then?"

_"Exactly. _The whole world's at stake, and here he is taking his time. Maybe he doesn't get it. Or maybe..." He leaned closer to his friends. "...he doesn't think the end of the human race is such a bad thing."

A series of panicked screams abruptly sounded from downstairs, snapping the tension. "Get it out! _Get it out! GET IT OUT!"_

* * *

They raced into the auditorium to see the pirates all huddled together onstage, wearing expressions of terror and desperately trying to fend off some kind of creature. A small, furry and very angry creature.

"What kind of monster is _that?" _Donna asked when she saw the thing.

"It isn't," answered the Doctor. "Possibly."

It appeared to be a dog, and it definitely sounded like one. The animal was barking its head off as it kept launching itself towards the pirates, trying to jump upon them and attack them. Its eyes were bulging from its sockets, and its mouth was practically foaming. At the sound of the newcomers' voices, it abruptly whipped around to stare at them. The floppy-eared mass of black and white fur growled, revealing rows of razor-sharp teeth, before flying off the stage, running at them and -

"Easy!"

Charles had stepped between the oncoming dog and its new victims. It skidded to a stop, briefly unsure how to handle this new intrusion.

"Easy," Charles told it as he slowly knelt to its level while the others looked on in fear. "We're not going to hurt you."

The dog growled a bit, but stopped when it realized it wasn't going to scare off the man.

"Good boy. Now sit." It stared at him in sullen defiance and did nothing. Looking the dog over, Charles noticed a gold collar around its neck, with the word **DASH** engraved on it. "Dash," he said a little more firmly, "sit." With over-the-top reluctance, Dash acquiesced. "Captain, do you still have those squid tentacles?"

Beginning to have a vague idea of where Charles was going with this, the Pirate Captain pulled a little sack from his beard and tossed it to him. Catching it, Charles picked up one of the slimy appendages and cautiously held it out to the dog. Dash briefly sniffed the meat before snatching it from his hand and gnashing it to to bits. When it was done, he began to sniff at the bag, but Charles held it out of his reach. "Not unless you cooperate."

The others closed their eyes or turned away, unable to watch. Instead of screams and the ripping of flesh, however, they heard a bark of agreement. Dash was sitting up straight, looking at the bag and waiting patiently for his next command.

Charles smiled. "Can you roll over?"

Dash performed the trick and promptly received another tentacle, which he happily ripped to bits. He sat up again, wagging his tail and letting his tongue hang out.

Donna added "exorcism of a dog" to the list of things she would have to tell her grandfather about.

"Looks like a spaniel," the Doctor mused. "Where'd he come from?"

The pirates were starting to relax and approach the creature. "It just came out from behind the curtain," the Pirate With A Scarf explained. No sooner were the words out of his mouth than they caught sight of the other engraving on the collar - the royal crest.

Suddenly they heard the stage door slam open, followed by the sound of crashing equipment. The curtains rustled violently and then parted as a Sontaran stumbled out from between them and fell on his knees. After him came the Bishop, who stood above him with his baton. "Hold still!" he commanded, preparing to drive it into the probic vent.

"What are you _doing?"_ the Doctor asked angrily.

"This creature has infiltrated our hiding place and must be killed."

"I shall not die without a fight!" the Sontaran declared. "And certainly not at the hands of _your_ kind!"

"No one's fighting anyone," said the Doctor. Pushing away the Bishop, he turned his attention to the Sontaran. "Tell us your name."

"Commander Strax, known as Strax the Intrepid."

"All right, Strax, here's what's going to happen; we're going to take you upstairs, and you're going to answer our questions."

"You must be joking," the Bishop sneered. "It can't be trusted."

"You underestimate my honor, sir!"

The Bishop rolled his eyes. "Do what you will with it, then." He looked at the others. "You are all excused from your duties tonight. I have business to attend to." Casting a cold glance at the Doctor, he swept past him and went back behind the curtains. After a few moments, the stage door slammed again.

Strax got to his feet and glared at Dash. "This is _your_ fault."

* * *

The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate crept towards the front door, keeping an ear on the sounds from upstairs. Everyone else had been too preoccupied with their prisoner to notice his leaving, which was all for the better. Placing a hand on the knob, he slowly pushed the door open and stepped out into the night. Clouds were covering the moon again, and the only source of light was the lampposts. Just like the night Albino Pirate had vanished.

Sighing, he walked down the steps and crossed the street. This had to be done.

For a few minutes, he thought he was alone. But as he walked, he noticed a faint noise behind him. Footsteps, almost in tune with his. He slowed down, and they slowed down as well. _You think you're so clever, don't you? _He took a few more steps, then abruptly turned_. _"Gotcha!"

The street was empty. For a split second, however, he thought he saw the hem of a black robe disappear behind a corner. He took a few steps back, keeping his eyes on the corner and silently cursing his lack of proper weaponry. Nothing appeared, though, and he was about to turn back around and continue walking when he collided with something that felt very much like a some_one._

He spun back around, balling his hands into fists and throwing a punch, only to pull back as he hit metal. "What on _earth...?"_

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" It was only Charles, holding a trashcan lid in front of him like a shield. "...What are you doing out here?"

"Nothing...what are _you _doing out here?"

"I just thought I would...go for a..."

They stared at each other for a few seconds. "So, are you coming?" Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate asked.

"After you."

As they walked, Charles told him what the Doctor had said about the Bishop, and about the green light in the Tower's window. "Perhaps that's where Albino Pirate is."

"You think?"

There was no green light in the window when they arrived, or any lights at all. They cautiously entered the courtyard, making as little noise as possible. It was silent and barren, and they could barely see in front of them. Something moved in the corner of Charles' eye, but when he turned to look, there was nothing.

The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate tapped him on the arm. "Did you hear that?" Wood was creaking, slowly and steadily. A small wooden door in the corner was hanging open, and a faint green light was coming from behind it. When they approached it, it faded away.

"Oh no, you don't!" Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate said as he chased it through the doorway and down the hall which lay beyond it.

"Wait! Don't you think we should...oh, _fine." _Gripping the lid handle, Charles went after him._  
_

It was even darker in the hall than it was outside. "Hello?" Charles called out. "Where are you?"

What he got in response was the sound of footsteps coming down the hall. "All right, that's close enough!" he said as he held the lid in front of him.

"Save it, Charlie," said Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate as he came into the light. He looked worried, and he held a piece of cloth in his hand. It was dirty and getting a bit worn, but it was unmistakably Albino Pirate's blue spotted head rag.

"Oh, no..."

Then the door slammed shut, and they were trapped in total darkness.

The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate immediately ran to the door. "Come on!" He tried to open it, but it was locked.

"Which way's the door?" Charles asked, trying to follow his friend's voice.

"Over here!" he said. Charles didn't respond. "Charlie?" He heard a few hesitant footsteps, then a muffled scream, a dull _thud_ accompanied by a metallic clatter and the sound of something being dragged.

"...Charles...?"

* * *

**Well, that looks like a good, pleasant place to stop. Don't you agree?**** Yeah, I didn't think so. But hey, at least all your questions will be answered by the end of the next chapter! Okay, _most_ of your questions. Toodles.  
**

**~ A. Kingsleigh  
**


	9. Chapter 9: It Gets Worse

**DISCLAIMER: -insert witty variation of "I do not own these characters" here-**

* * *

_"I_ know how we'll finally get 'im to talk," said the Pirate With Gout triumphantly. "We need to make 'im real nervous so he can't think straight enough to lie. I say we hold a lantern in his face while dangling 'im out the window an' poke 'im with a stick until he tells us where Albino Pirate is!"**  
**

Strax looked on with displeasure. "I see I was correct in my assumption that you lack the intelligence and foresight to refrain from discussing your interrogation techniques within earshot of the one being interrogated."

"Does that mean you'll give up without any more fight, then?"

The alien closed his eyes and quietly shook his head in exasperation, much like what the Pirate With A Scarf felt like doing. "Never has a Sontaran suffered such humiliation. Held hostage by Earthling _scum._ How many times must I tell you that I know _nothing_ of your friend or where he has gone?"_  
_

It was the first time that the Pirate With A Scarf had believed what the creature said. If anything, it probably had something to do with the Bishop and that green light. "It was but a trick of your tired minds," he'd said when Scarf had told the others what he and Charles had seen.

Where _was _Charles, anyway?

The Pirate Captain motioned for everyone to huddle together. "All right, lads, we need a Plan B. Any suggestions? No, Pirate With Gout, we've already heard yours."

"Let's try and trick it out of him," the Pirate With A Scarf whispered. "We'll get him talking, and maybe something will slip out by accident." _Or maybe he'll know something about that light. _"We'll need someone cleverer than him to do it, of course."

"Couldn't agree more, Number Two!" the captain replied. Pulling out of the huddle, he grabbed the Doctor and pushed him towards Strax. "Off you go, then!"

"That...isn't really what I had in mind, sir..."

Strax threw back his head and laughed. "I know better than to inform _you _of our goals, Doctor."

"You don't have to," the Doctor calmly answered. "It always comes back to that silly war, doesn't it? Are they getting the better of you again?"

"A few so-called stalemates means _nothing _to us. We fight for the glory of Sontar!"

"Oh, just say yes. Much easier."

Strax scowled. "...They're pushing us back," he spat angrily. "They're pushing us back, we're losing ground, our fleet's ship was scrapped to make the boat and General Storn has trapped us on this planet with that madwoman. _Happy now?"_

"No." The Doctor leaned against the attic wall with his arms folded. "Let me guess; you're under orders to take this planet, but you don't want to alert the enemy by just coming right down. So you earn yourself a spot in Queen Vicky's good graces by bringing her back to London. You get to stay here and build her a new ship, you conquer the world together, Her Majesty meets a tragic yet very convenient end, and you've got a new spot to shoot from. Basic stuff, really."

"If you and your friends were wise, Doctor," said Strax, "you would join us!"

"Give us one reason why we should."

"Sontaran domination is the superior option! The Moonites have a _far _darker design on this planet!"

"Oh, now you're just making things up."

"I say let him talk," said the Pirate With A Scarf.

"They aren't real. He's trying to trick us."

"That's what they _want_ you to think!" Strax exclaimed, trying to squirm his way free. "Time and again I've said that something ought to be done about the Moon, but have my superiors listened? Of course not! And if action is not taken, the Moonites and the Rutans shall carry out their plan of destruction!"

On the word "Rutans," the Doctor tensed up. "There are Rutans here?" he asked, looking at Strax with a seed of fear in his expression.

"There's _a_ Rutan, that can at least be said. Have you not seen it? I have tracked it down to this vicinity."

"...You have?"

"Indeed! The dog and I chased it from the Tower to this very building! Would've made short work of the damn thing if it hadn't cloaked and...what are you doing?"

The Doctor was untying ropes that bound Strax. "We can't stay here."

"But where are we going, then?" asked Donna.

"Where Albino Pirate is. If there's anything left of him."

* * *

The Tower stood above them, mocking and impenetrable. In other words, a perfect invitation for the Pirate Captain. Especially when his lads were involved.

"Up there," Strax said, pointing to the highest window. "That is where it hides and plots." As if on cue, the green light reappeared and began to move around the room. The pirates shrank back as it came to the window, as though it was staring outside. It remained for several seconds before slipping away and vanishing.

"I have already determined the proper method of entry," Strax continued once they were all breathing again. "Does anyone have a grenade?"

"That won't be necessary." The Doctor was standing next to a wooden door in the corner of the wall. He opened it effortlessly, revealing a dimly lit corridor. "Captain?"

The Pirate Captain nodded. "Stay here, lads," he said reluctantly. "If we aren't back by dawn, then Number Two's in charge."

He winced as the Pirate With A Scarf stared at him in disbelief. "...What?"

"I'm sorry, it's just...I don't want to put any of you in trouble."

The Pirate With A Scarf's expression didn't change, but the sharpness of his voice softened. "Understood, sir."

Managing a small, grateful smile, the Pirate Captain followed the Doctor, Donna and Strax through the door, which slammed shut behind them.

It was completely dark inside, but light was not necessary; the quartet could hear the faint sound of sloshing water in the distance, and they made their way towards it.

"So," the captain said, trying to sound unafraid, "what are these things after, exactly?"

"Imagine fighting a war for fifty thousand years," the Doctor said quietly, "until you can't remember what started it all and you don't care. You're just going to fight until either they're dead or you are."

"Not that bad when you're winning," Strax remarked.

"Tell that to the ones who get caught in the middle."

"And...that's us, I suppose?" the Pirate Captain asked hesitantly. The Doctor didn't answer him, or even look at him.

Donna came up beside him and touched his shoulder. "We're sorry."

Nothing more was said as they continued down the hall, which gently sloped as they walked. The watery sounds became steadily louder, and soon an unbearable stench was wafting up from the corridor.

Donna and Strax staggered backwards, their hands over their faces. "Poison gas!" the latter yelled. "Damn you, coward! Come down here and face us like a _warrior!"_

"Shut up," the Doctor instructed. "It's only the sewer." Reaching out a hand, he touched another wooden door. This one was cold and slimy, and it did not open without force. The stench reached its zenith as he stepped over the threshold. "We're here."

The others followed him into the new room, looking around anxiously. Pulling a box of matches from his beard, the Pirate Captain scraped one along the wall and held it up, illuminating the space. Its ceiling was low, its brick walls were chipped and its floor was made of rotting planks. Through a rather large hole, they could see the putrid waters of the sewer flowing beneath them. The door they'd come through appeared to be the only one.

"He's coming for us," Strax whispered confidentially. "He's going to jump out any moment."

The Pirate Captain was trying to hold the match with his quivering hands. "Now let's not get hasty - _Neptune's tongue!"_ He had taken a step backwards, right into a pile of something very cold and very gooey. He jumped, dropping the match leaving them in complete darkness once again.

"What is it?" the Doctor asked.

"Just a minute." He lit another match and held it down to the strange substance. It was a deep green and shimmered faintly in the light. "Know anything about this, Doctor?"

The Doctor said nothing. He just stood where he was very quietly, as did Donna and Strax.

"Um...hello?"

In unison, all three of them slumped to the floor unconscious.

_Well, that can't be good._

Something tapped him on the shoulder, and an electric pulse shot through his body. He fell to the floor, his head spinning. The last thing he was aware of before blacking out was a large green thing with spindly appendages looming over him...

* * *

He awoke slowly and very disoriented. "Doctor, I think I found it..."

A hand clapped over his mouth. "Not so loud!" a voice whispered fearfully.

_"Chuck?_ How did _you_ get here?"

"You have to be quiet, Captain," another voice whispered - the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate. "It'll hear you."

The Pirate Captain sat up. As his eyes adjusted to the light, he realized that he was now in a large cage. Charles and the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate were on either side of him, and in the corner sat Donna and the Albino Pirate. The former was trying to console the latter, who was curled up into a ball and trembling. The Doctor was pacing the floor, and Strax was nowhere to be seen. "What do you mean, it'll hear me? Where is it?"

"Oh, you're awake." The Bishop stood on the other side of the bars, smiling wickedly. "I'm sure this must all be very frightening."

_"You _aren't," the captain said, failing to notice how his fellow pirates were scrambling backwards, mute with terror. "You've been helping this creature all along, haven't you? I want to see it!"

"Very well."

The Pirate Captain's resolve crumbled as the Bishop's eyes took on a familiar green glow. A glow which soon was enveloping his entire body as it began to warp and reshape itself. When the light faded, he was gone; in his place floated a giant green jellyfish with currents of electricity shooting down its numerous tentacles.

The Doctor didn't bat an eyelid. "Hello, Rutan."

* * *

**Now you know that evil space jellyfish can be hiding anywhere. And knowing is half the battle. Of course, the _other_ half involves homemade heat-based weaponry, but we'll save that for another day. Toodles!**

**~ A. Kingsleigh  
**


	10. Chapter 10: What Pirates Do Best

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own a thing. Not even the laptop I'm typing this on, now that I've thought about it.**

* * *

The Rutan didn't really speak so much as it projected its voice into its prisoners' heads. _"You have grown foolish, Doctor," _it said in a harsh, metallic tone. _"We expected better of you."_

"There's more of them?" the Pirate Captain asked, now quite unsettled._  
_

"Hive mind," the Doctor answered casually. "You've met one, you've met them all. It's been quite a while, hasn't it?" he added, returning his attention to the Rutan. "Let's not kill everyone this time."

_"To make such an agreement is not in our interest."_

"Of course it isn't." The Doctor leaned forward, sticking his head through the bars of the cage. "I hear you're winning the war. If that's the case, then this planet is of no value to you."

_"You are correct."_

"Then why are you playing tug-of-war with it?"

_"The Sontaran rabble has seen past its insignificance and is taking advantage of its strategic position. The consequences of this development must be averted at all costs."_

"I won't let you destroy this place."_  
_

_"We concluded that the most efficient option is to render the planet inhospitable."_

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "There's no such thing as an efficient way to do that. At least, not one I've heard of."_  
_

_"To let you indulge in such information would be detrimental to our mission," _the Rutan answered, a hint of smugness in its artificial voice.

"I think you mean _less_ detrimental."

_"Your threats are empty, Doctor, for you are powerless." _Beginning to glow again, the Rutan shaped itself back into the form of the Bishop. "We go to bring our endeavor to fruition. By this time tomorrow, you shall all be dead." With a swish of its dark robes, it swept back into the shadows from whence it had came. "Unless, by some chance, you learn to survive in more drastic temperatures."

* * *

_Thud, thud thud. _This wasn't happening. This _couldn't_ be happening. It had to be some kind of horrible, ham-induced nightmare. That _had_ to be it. He was going to wake up back on the ship in a moment, and his lads were going to be safe. Everything would be fine.

Banging his head against the bars one last time for good measure, the Pirate Captain looked back up. No such luck - they were still in the cage, and still with the Doctor. _**Thud, thud, thud.**_

"That really isn't helping," said the Doctor.

"What _else _are we supposed to do?" Donna grumbled.

"At the moment? Be quiet." The Doctor was rapidly pacing back and forth, either desperately trying to form a new plan or trying to wear a hole in the floor. He wasn't quite sure which. First he had tried to force himself between the bars, but they were too close together. He had rattled them vigorously, but they were all secure. Finally he had fished a paper clip from his pocket, twisted it out of shape and jammed it into the padlock on the door. No use - and the lock, upon further inspection, was made of wood. There was no doubt in his mind that the Rutan had gone out of its way to make its plan Doctor-proof.

_What's wrong? _he thought. This was normally the part where he thought of something clever. Why couldn't he think of anything clever?

That was when his eye fell upon the Pirate Captain, who was now sitting on the floor stroking his beard pensively. _Maybe I'm not the one who's supposed to. _"I think I've found it!"

"Your off switch?" Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate asked.

"The flaw in its plan." He started to pace again. "It thought it only needed to make this thing impossible for a Time Lord to escape from. It doesn't think you lot are a threat."

"We're not."

_"Not a threat?" _the Doctor said incredulously. "Think of all you've done in the past! You're all brilliant! You're the biggest threat there is to that creature! Right, Captain?" he finished, turning to him hopefully._  
_

The others followed his gaze, and the captain stared back at all of them. "...Well..."

"Just listen to me - "

"That's what they've_ been_ doing, Doctor," Donna said as she roughly pulled him aside. "They think _you're_ supposed to know how to deal with these things. They certainly don't! They're just people, and they're scared. _Cut them some slack."_

"Donna, the whole planet could burn if - "_  
_

"I wasn't finished yet!" the captain exclaimed as he stood up. "I have some questions for you, Doctor."

"Go on."

"Do you really think we've got it in us to help you?"

"Yes."

"And why's that?"

"Because..." The Doctor furrowed his brow, searching his mind for the right words. "Because I know that you aren't going to give up. That's what you're best at."

"Is there a chance," the captain continued quietly, "that the rest of my lads are still out there?"

"...I don't know."

The Pirate Captain looked down at the floor, slowly nodding his head. "Just one more," he said, looking back up at the Doctor as he began to rummage through his beard. After a moment, he pulled out another match and a metal spray can labeled **BEARD GLOSSER.** "Do you know what wood and metal are good at?"

Donna failed to notice the other pirates backing against the wall of the cage, smiles on their faces. "Er..."

"Donna," the Doctor said, "I think you ought to step aside."

Grinning, the captain held the match and can up to the door. "Quite right," he said, and touched the sprayer.

_FWOOSH._

Everyone else jumped back as a stream of flame erupted from the match when the liquid hit it. The wooden lock was quickly burned off, along with most of the door. Kicking down the smoldering, melted remains, the Pirate Captain proudly stepped out of the cage. "You swabs coming or not?"

The other pirates breathed a sigh of relief. _Welcome back, Captain._

* * *

**Eh...so this happened.**

**Bye.  
**

**~A. Kingsleigh  
**


	11. Chapter 11: A Matter of Ice And Fire

**DISCLAIMER: I got nothing, in terms of both ownership and material for these things.**

* * *

The stench was coming back - a bit more subdued, but not by much.

"Low temperature, high moisture content, little bits of rock, little bits of filth," the Doctor observed as he breathed in deeply. "We're still underground."

Meanwhile, the Pirate Captain was feeling his way along the wall. One small section, he found, was set a bit deeper than the rest. Bracing himself against it, he pushed and got an ever so slight shift outwards in return. "Come and help me with this!"

The others joined him, and soon the panel of stone was swinging open onto a dim, narrow hallway. To the left was a dead end, where a rusty old ladder led upwards into the unknown. To the right, the path curved into darkness and disappeared. The sound of running water drifted towards them from the other side, and the slow flicker of a single flame cast itself upon the wall. No green glare nor swishing robes.

"Seems clear enough," said the Pirate Captain as he readied his spray bottle. The rest of the group gathered around him, and they were starting to cautiously advance when a loud thud sent them scrambling back.

"Your underestimation of my competence is most laughable!" a familiar voice cried, punctuated by another thud. "These bonds..." Thud. "...are nothing..." **Thud.** "To a _true soldier!" _**Thud, _thud, THUD!_**

The Albino Pirate ducked into the folds of the Pirate Captain's coat. "Who's that?" he asked, cautiously peeking out.**_  
_**

"A friend of ours, I think," the captain answered.

Charles and the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate looked at him in confusion. "What's _he_ doing down here?"

"Don't know," said the Doctor, moving past them towards the noise. "Let's find out."

* * *

_Something is terribly wrong with me, _thought Strax as he flailed about the little concrete bank. His breathing was much heavier than usual, and a strange form of energy was coursing through his body. In the past he had felt such adrenaline when going into battle, but _this_ kind was making him tremble and filling him with the urge to run - not towards danger, but far away from it. He could not possibly be having such thoughts willingly - this must be a poison of some sort, designed to incapacitate him.

He thought he saw a face poke out from the river running beside him. He tried once again to jerk his hands out of the crystalline rings holding him to the metal table. Rutan technology had changed significantly since he had encountered it last. _Certainly not for the better,_ he thought as he glanced at the table opposite him. Laid out neatly upon it were lumps of varying size and make, concealed by a cloth covered in bloodstains of various colors.

The Sontaran continued his struggle, which was now much more urgent.

His efforts were met only with a smooth, mocking laugh. "Perfect." He looked up and saw the Rutan staring back at him from the foot of the table. It had assumed human form once more, and it was taking advantage of its mouth to smirk wickedly.

Strax's trembling suddenly went from bad to worse. "What have you inserted into me?" he demanded, trying to sit up.

The Rutan casually glided around the table to stand beside his head. "This," he answered smugly, "is what your kind refer to as _fear."_

Strax shrank back, his eyes widening in shock. Poison suddenly sounded quite nice. Appropriate, even. A Sontaran that felt fear was worthless, unworthy of drawing breath. "...How...How _dare _you!"_  
_

"You have brought it upon yourself," said the Rutan, walking to the table. "As we are in a pleasant mood, we shall spare you the consequences of being exposed to your fellow soldiers."

Behind it, four pirates and two time travelers crept out from around the corner and hid in the shadows, keeping their eyes on the scene. "What's he doing?" Albino Pirate whispered.

The Doctor placed a hand over his eyes. "Don't look."

"Your death shall be for an honorable cause," the Rutan continued as it peeled back the cloth on the table. "We have not yet learned how to assume Sontaran form."

The table was covered with knives, pins, drills, scissors, scalpels...all the basic tools.

Strax immediately began trying to hop towards the water. "I would rather die a coward's death than be used as a weapon against my own race! You won't kill _me_ with just a shock to the head!"

Picking up a knife, the Rutan approached him again. "If that is how you feel," it continued, "we shall forgo the traditional preparations." It paused for a moment, then it turned around and stared right at the others. "Would you like to get a better view? You're going next."

The Doctor stood up, putting himself in front of the pirates. "You don't have to do this - "

He was cut off by the knife whizzing past his head and embedding itself in the wall, nearly skewering Donna.

"We have no wish to be preached to by lesser beings," the Rutan said as it reached for another knife. "Especially not a powerless Time Lord."

"How about a dog, then?"

The Pirate With A Scarf's voice came from the river, and on its heels charged a loud, wet and very angry ball of fur. Dash wasted no time in attaching himself to the Rutan's leg as the rest of the crew emerged from the water and gleefully came down upon their enemy.

Jerking the knife from the wall, the Doctor circumvented the fight and headed towards Strax. "Head for the ladder!" he yelled as he cut the Sontaran's bonds with a quick slice, pulled him off the table and pushed him towards the corner. _"Everyone!"_

"We're not done with 'im yet," said the Pirate With Gout._  
_

"Get away from it, lads!" the Pirate Captain commanded, seeing that the Rutan's eyes were glowing again.

Snarling, the Rutan broke free of the others as the green light engulfed it. The pirates' jaws dropped, and they backed away in horror as the creature assumed its natural form and came after them, it sparking tentacles reaching for them.

Frantically scanning the room, the Doctor's eyes fell upon the still-burning lantern sitting by the wall. "Stand back," he told the others. As the Rutan came near him, he picked the lantern up, raised it above his head and threw it onto the floor. It shattered into hundreds of pieces, and the oil inside quickly created a wall of flames. The Rutan sprang back with a shriek of pain as the fire's heat licked at its tendrils.

"I'd follow his lead if I were you," the Doctor said calmly. His companions were already far ahead of him, figuratively and literally.

* * *

They emerged onto a deserted street lit by the rays of sunrise. The world was bereft of noise except for the gusts of a swift breeze, which carried upon it the faint chatter of a faraway crowd.

The Pirate With A Scarf fished a compass out of his coat. "It's an eastern wind. Seems to be coming from..."

"Go on," the captain said.

"...from the harbor, sir."

Only the launching of a ship, they knew, could draw such a crowd to the harbor.

"No time for that yet," the Doctor said. "We've got to get back to the Royal Society before the Rutan does."

* * *

It took them half an hour to find their way back to the old building. They met no one, however, and one of the first floor windows had been left unlocked.

"Start searching," said the Doctor as they entered the attic. "The crates, the walls, _anywhere_ you'd hide a secret." He began shifting hastily through the papers on the table.

"What's it supposed to look like?" the Pirate Captain asked, shaking a coil of rope lying under the window.

"I don't know yet..."

One of the floorboards caught Donna's eye. It was curved slightly upwards at one end, and the nail had been all but ripped out. Kneeling down, she pulled at the thing. It came free with a loud creak, and stashed beneath it was a pile of dusty yellow papers loosely bound to a covering of black leather.

"...but I bet it looks a lot like that." Snatching the crude book from its hiding place, the Doctor rapidly flipped through its pages. Pictures of various horrid-looking devices flashed by. "Uses too much energy...breaks the laws of physics...too predictable...but _you're_ new."

On the last page was what looked to the Doctor and Donna like a giant satellite dish. It pointed upwards, shooting a beam at a circular object high above it. Surrounding it were little notes and calculations, including the line _Activate at noon on day of ceremony._

Strax elbowed his way to the Doctor's side. "What, _that?_ It's only a mere teleporter! Quite juvenile..."

_The most efficient option is to render the planet inhospitable...by this time tomorrow, you shall all be dead...unless you learn to survive in more **drastic temperatures...**_

"Why, It's the Sun!" Strax exclaimed. "It wants to get rid of the Sun!"_**  
**_

Everyone stared at him in confusion. "Mind letting us ride your train of thought for a bit?" Donna asked.

"How is it not obvious?" he continued, standing up. "They are using the ship launching as a distraction! They will shoot this device at the Sun, the Sun shall disappear and without its heat, Earth is converted to an ideal Rutan environment! They're going to snatch this planet right out from under our noses..."

"Now we don't know that for sure. Right, Doctor?" said Charles. "How would they even power something like that?"

"That's what I'm trying to figure out..." He began to tap his head vigorously. "It doesn't make sense. They'd need an _extremely_ durable electrical contact to handle the amount of power required, and those don't come easy. A platinum group metal, perhaps..."

He trailed off as their minds flew back to the empty ruthenium case. One could practically hear the alarms going off. As a matter of fact, they were. But they were silenced with a _ZAP_ almost as quickly as they had started, and they were followed by the _SLAM_ of the front door.

Rushing to the window, the Doctor flung it open. "Go!" he commanded, gesturing outside. "I'll try and follow."

"I don't trust you by yourself," Donna answered.

"We need to find out where that thing is and how to stop it." He gestured outside again. "None of you are putting yourselves at risk as long as I'm around. Now _go."_

The rope was unfurled, and within a few minutes the others and Strax had managed to rappel to the ground. The Doctor looked them over one more time, then shut the window.

It was Albino Pirate who finally broke the subsequent silence. "What do we do now?"

The Pirate Captain looked towards the harbor, where black smoke and the sound of cheers were rising into the sky. "We do something about _that."_


	12. Chapter 12: An Unlikely Coalition

**You know, being part of a relatively small fandom has its perks. Such as the rather large chance that the creator of the source material has seen your work. :)  
**

**And on that note, remember how Victoria used to be in this story? You do? Good!**

**DISCLAIMER: Pirates belongs to Aardman, and Doctor Who belongs to the BBC.**

* * *

The clock in the grand entrance of the palace was just striking nine when Strax kicked open the doors. "Commander Strax reporting for duty! May you kill many enemies and die in battle!"

His fellow soldiers greeted him only with cold stares. "Your absence has been a matter of concern to the general, Commander," one of them said.

Another was less kind. "Hunting Moonites again, were you?"

"Indeed not!" Strax retorted. "The dog and I were hunting prisoners!" He swung the door open to reveal the pirates and Donna crowded together, trying to look as pathetic as possible. Dash bounded around them as they shuffled inside, barking and snapping at their heels. "Please direct me to the whereabouts of General Storn and Her Majesty," Strax continued. "It is my belief that they will wish to punish these lower life forms directly."

The other Sontarans looked the group over suspiciously. "Where is the Doctor?" they asked.

"He escaped. But he was dealt many injuries!" Strax added hastily. "He will not live long, that is certain."

What little interest the rest of the soldiers had in him had been spent. "Lock them up and report to the general," they said to him. "He will find this news pleasing."

Strax gave them a sharp nod. "Move along, you!" he snapped as he returned his attention to the others and started prodding them. Cowering profusely, they dragged themselves past the Sontarans, up several flights of stairs and through a door into the green drawing room.

The Pirate Captain smiled. "You think they fell for it?" he whispered once Strax had shut and barred the doors.

"I can't tell," the alien said as he let his facade crumble. "Consider yourselves lucky. It is a crime amongst my people to fight for another species."

"We'll take it from here," Donna answered. Across from them stood the doors of the throne room, and beyond that was the lab thingy where Victoria was holding the TARDIS. And there would surely be something in the TARDIS to help them take care of this mess.

_BANG!_

Everyone jumped back and screamed as a shot burst up through the floor and through the ceiling ahead. "Maybe not..."

"...Probably just target practice," said the Pirate With A Scarf. "Or something."

Strax, on the other hand, was listening intently and shaking his head. "Not the kind you're thinking of." Before they could stop him, he had taken drawn his sword from his belt and was sawing through the floor.

* * *

"What do you _mean,_ they have not returned yet?" Victoria snapped, her purple silk dress giving her the appearance of an angry grape.

The page cowered under her sharp gaze as he watched her finger the baton and pistol hanging from her belt. "T-They have not been since yesterday evening, your majesty..."

"It is no matter," Storn told him as he gently pushed the queen aside. "We shall go without them."

"...Quite right," said Victoria. "Is the carriage ready?"

"Er...no, ma'am..."

He winced as Storn slammed the door in his face.

_They were right about that idiot, _Victoria thought as she heard the boy scamper off. She should never have agreed to listen to him when he volunteered for patrol, let alone trust him with Dash.

On the bright side, though, it served as more evidence that she ought to do everything herself.

Walked to the window, she parted the curtains and stared out towards the harbor. A smile spread across her face as she watched her subjects gathering at the harbor. Even by her standards, the ship was a marvel - twice as the big as the last ship, and weighing half as much. Bullets and cannonballs would bounce harmlessly off the black plates of armor which coated the hull and sides. Cannons filled the gunports, but crates upon crates of Sontaran weapons were being stored in the hold. The smoke was only an illusion; it was a tank of glowing silver rocks which made the propellers turn. With it, they had said, the oceans could be crossed in just a day.

With the kind of power she now wielded, just a day was all the time her conquest would require.

"How_ever_ did you finish it so quickly?" she asked Storn, failing to notice the sound of him locking the door.

"It was a matter of urgency," the Sontaran responded tersely. "We cannot risk interference from the Doctor."

"He can't stop us if we're already done!"

"True. But we are not."

"I've got dozens of guards at the ceremony - "

"That is not what I speak of."

"...What are you getting at, then?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. She was answered with the ringing of a gunshot in her ears and plaster in her hair.

Strax lowered the blaster from the ceiling to between her eyes. "You shall surrender and come quietly or you shall die, human!"

Victoria immediately whipped the baton from her belt and aimed it at the Sontaran, only for him to blast it out of her hands. It fell to the ground, bent and useless.

"Your attempts to defy us are futile! A female human stands no chance against our superior capabilities!" Storn declared mockingly. "What is your choice?"

It was not Victoria who responded to the question, but the ceiling.

Storn spun around as a tangle of boards, plaster and struggling bodies came plummeting from above and landing in a heap before him. "AHHH! Oh, I mean, um, _ahoy,_ good sir," said the tall bearded figure who staggered out of the mess. "We were just leaving..."

His pleas fell on deaf ears. Storn raised the gun, prepared to fire, stiffened, crossed his eyes and slumped to his knees.

Upon seeing Victoria standing above the unconscious Sontaran, the Pirate Captain relaxed again. "There you are! Like I said, leaving."

"Hands up!" the queen screeched. _"NOW!"_

"For pity's sake, Vicky, we just saved your life!"

_"I'm_ the one who downed him!"

"But _we _distracted him - "

A good poke in the stomach with the pistol shut him up. "Why are you here?" Victoria snapped, cocking the hammer back and taking aim.

"We haven't got time for this!"

Victoria fired the gun - and got only a _click_ out of it. "What?" She hastily swung out the cylinder and checked the rounds; every chamber was still filled. "Have you been tampering with this?" she yelled at the prone body of Storn.

"That would be the Cordolaine signal, madam," Strax said. "The copper atoms in your bullets have been expanded so that your gun is ineffective - "

"You idiots have exactly_ ten seconds_ to give me one reason not to kill you all!"

The captain sighed. "Look," he said earnestly, "there's an evil jellyfish planning to blow up the sun, and we're all going to die unless you let us have the Doctor's ship! How's that?"

For once, the queen could not think of a single thing to say.

"Captain!" the Albino Pirate exclaimed. "They're coming!"

From the hallway came the sound of many feet stomping towards them.

Mr. Bobo immediately hurried to the window and pushed it open. A stone ledge extended out from the sill and appeared to run the length of the building. It wasn't too wide, but he judged it to be enough. He climbed onto the precipice, beckoning for the others to follow him.

"And what do you think _you're_ doing?" the still-confused Victoria demanded incredulously as the pirates all blew past her without a glance.

"Savin' our skins," answered Donna, who was the last to go. "Plenty of room if you're interested."

Something tugged at the hem of Victoria's dress. It was Dash, motioning towards the window.

Victoria looked at it disdainfully and stepped away. This was surely not what it seemed - a test, perhaps. The Sontarans wouldn't dare betray _her._ Would they?

From the hallway came a cry of "Ready your weapons! She's a dangerous one!"

_Oh, alright. _Gathering Dash in her arms, she headed after the others. "Move over!"

* * *

When the Sontarans broke down the study door, they found a trashed and practically empty room. Wood and plaster lay in a heap on the floor, and a white haze from the latter floated through the air. The tall double hung open, its curtains swaying gently in the breeze. General Storn was picking himself off the ground, feeling for his gun. "Find them!" he commanded. "Find them and kill them on sight!"

While some proceeded to knock over the desk and poke at the walls, others went to the window and looked out onto the greenery below. No signs of an escape attempt, successful or fatal.

To their left and right, the bodies plastered against the wall tried desperately not to breathe and hoped beyond hope that their pursuers lacked the ability to turn their heads.

_It cannot be, _the Sontarans decided. _She would not consider death. _"They have escaped, sir," they answered as they withdrew._  
_

"Alert your fellow soldiers!" Storn declared. "Search the palace!" He rushed out, shooting death glares at those closest to him as he went. Hastily prepping their guns, the rest of the troops filed after him.

Only once their stomping had completely faded away did the pirates creep back towards the windowsill. "No time to lose, lads!" said the Pirate With A Scarf when they were all back inside. "Lovely seeing you again, Vicky - "

"You're not going anywhere," Victoria said, going for her ruined baton and holding it up like a club. "At least not yet."

"Oh, _honestly..."_

"How do I know you aren't up to something?"

"The only thing we're up to is trying to help. Now let us go."

She examined their expressions further. "And if I don't?"

"We all freeze," Donna answered bluntly.

The others prepared to run for their lives as Victoria continued to stare at them. Then, to their surprise, she calmly walked past them into the hall. "Well?" she asked. "Aren't you coming?"

"What do you mean...?"

"You'll muck this all up if you try going about it by yourselves."

* * *

**I think Victoria has been quite underused, in the movie itself as well as in this story. I think I'm going to write some more stuff about her eventually.**

**SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: I can now be found on Twitter as MortThePirate. Bow before me, puny mortals, for I have harnessed the power of social networking! My insanity shall be fully unleashed on the world! Maybe not now, but EVENTUALLY!  
**

**Two chapters left. Ciao.**

**~ A. Kingsleigh**


	13. Chapter 13: The Battle of London

**So...I'm not particularly happy at the moment. If you watched the Oscars, you can probably guess why. And maybe you're feeling the same way. If you are, then I have an idea. Let's unleash our fury on a certain pesky Rutan, shall we?**

**DISCLAIMER: I made the TvTropes page for Pirates. Does that count?**

* * *

Word spread through the palace like a fire. To your posts, soldiers! Bring your weapons! A battle is brewing!

General Storn and a dozen Sontarans were posted in the throne room alone, and many others wandered the rest of the palace. Their eyes darted about with barely-concealed anticipation, and their fingers were clamped tightly around the handles of their swords or itching to pull the triggers of their guns. Some thought they saw the hem of a dress disappear around a corner, only to see nothing when they rounded it, and that made them even twitchier. The weeks without combat had made them restless - a single knock on the door would be sure to set them off.

They got much more than that.

_"The Doctor!" _a Sontaran voice frantically cried, accompanied by the sound of running feet. "The Doctor has tricked us all!"

Storn narrowed his eyes. "What proof do you have?"

The guards, on the other hand, had rushed out into the drawing room after practically kicking open the door. "Where is he?" they demanded.

The herald of this new development had gone, but his cries still echoed through the walls. "He is going to the harbor! Find him! _He must not escape!"_

"Halt!" Storn yelled after him. "Halt and show yourself!"

The rest of the guards went after him - not to bring him down, but to spread his message.

Soldiers poured from the rooms as they heard the battle cry, all thoughts of Victoria chased from their minds by the promise of this new bounty. They hurried downstairs, congealing into a frenzied mob that began forcing its way out of every exit it could find. Only Storn retained his senses, and only he recognized the mysterious, meddling voice.

"Calm yourselves!" he shouted, trying in vain to push a path through the crowd. "I want Commander Strax brought to me at - "

Then someone finally got the front doors open, and the general was lifted off his feet as the mass of warriors surged forward. They spilled outside and flowed down the streets towards the harbor, their war chant already shattering the peace of the morning.

The Pirate Captain watched from the throne room window as the palace was abandoned. "Didn't I tell you he'd come around, lads?" he said happily as Strax wearily opened the door.

"I do this only to preserve the planet for future occupation, humans," the alien declared, but not quite as sincerely as before.

"Say it your way, then."

"We haven't got all day!" snapped Victoria, who was already sitting in her throne. Pressing the button on the armrest, she went speeding down without so much as a glance at the others.

They tumbled down afterwards and unfortunately missed landing on top of her. "Thanks for the lift," Pirate With A Scarf deadpanned as they picked themselves up.

She was busy unlocking the cage which held the TARDIS. "I can't fathom what they wanted with it, anyway," she remarked, looking at the box with disdain.

"Why not?" Donna asked as she took her key from her pocket and started to unlock the door.

"They can't possibly fit into - "

Her words stuck in her throat as Donna pushed open the door. "You were saying?" the latter asked as she stepped inside.

The rest of the group hesitantly followed with wide eyes and mouths agape. Victoria was shaking her head. "It's...it's...why, they haven't been telling me _anything!"_

The pirates' shock, on the other hand, quickly turned to delight. "It's magic!" "Think of all the treasure you could fit in here!" "Forget treasure, think of all the _ham!"_ "But how on earth does it work?"

Walking to the console, Donna flipped a switch with **LOCATE THE DOCTOR** taped above it. "Let's hope he wasn't just runnin' his mouth about this..."

They doors of the TARDIS abruptly slammed behind them, and the pirates stared up in wonder as the center of the console began to move up and down. _Vwoorp, vwoorp, vwoorp._

* * *

The front door of the Royal Society was hanging open only on a few hinges. The still-burning remains of what had once been an alarm system lay on the floor. Beyond it, a set of muddy footprints briefly meandered towards a corridor before turning to green ooze and vanishing.

The sound of the Doctor's trainers tapping along the tile echoed through the building as he ran down the corridor, watching and listening intently."You don't have to do this!" he called out.

_There!_ In a side hall, out of the corner of his eye, a green tentacle whipped around a corner and was gone. He hurried after it, down a flight of stairs and into a passageway where the elegant wallpaper had given way to barren plaster. Wooden doors lined one end of the hall, each gaping slightly. On the floor, the ooze briefly reappeared - it had changed form again.

The Doctor slowed his pace to a walk. As he passed each door, he gently pushed them open and looked inside. Empty.

From up ahead came footsteps, light and cautious. When he followed them to the corridor's end and through an archway, the Doctor found himself in one of the theater wings. The curtains had been shut, but they still waved back and forth as though someone had just been through them.

Ascending the steps, he parted the curtains and stepped onstage. "I can help you."

The Rutan, standing in the center of the auditorium, slowly turned to face him. "There is no help you can give us," it said from its false mouth.

"Just stop the attack and I'll find you a planet to work from. Can't you see I'm giving you a chance to survive?"

"Our survival is inevitable. What need have we of your chance?"

_"Because it's the only one you're going to get."_

They coldly regarded one another for a long moment. Then the Rutan turned and fled.

_Ooh, you **really** shouldn't have done that._

* * *

Only when he reached the main hall again did the Doctor skid to a stop. More patches of green ooze dotted the floor. _Think, think, think! There aren't a lot of places it can hide -  
_

A scuffle from the balcony above got his attention, and he looked up just in time to dodge a statue which hurtled down towards him and smashed on the tiles. _Or perhaps it isn't._

He took the staircase two steps at a time as the Rutan, back in its natural form, floated away from him. Why didn't it just send a shock through his head and be done with him?

_Because it's weak,_ he realized as he watched it flee through an open door into the darkened Hall of Crystals. _It needs to get away from the heat.  
_

His mind now speeding along, the Doctor flung open the doors to the hall and strode inside.

The Hall of Crystals was all shadow, except for a patch of sunlight coming through a window. A barely-visible green blob had attached itself to the ceiling, just out of the rays' reach. Brightly-colored gems twinkled in glass boxes. _No, not gems_, the Doctor thought. _Prisms!_

Sitting next to an empty case was an open crate. As the Doctor rummaged through it, the Rutan dropped from its safe haven and began to float towards him. It was rested now, ready to kill...

...and then the Doctor whirled around and raised a large diamond up into the light.

Beams of color shot around the room. Other crystals were illuminated, and they spread the deadly glow. The Rutan was struck, and it fell writhing to the floor before mustering up enough strength to rise back up and hurry around a corner into the next part of the gallery.

Dropping his weapon, the Doctor ran after it. When he rounded the corner, however, he nearly crashed into another case - this room was wreathed in darkness.

"We have grown weary of you, Doctor."

A bony hand latched around his neck, threw him to the ground and slammed him up against a radiator on the wall. The now-human Rutan leaned over him, the faintest of smug smiles crossing its face. It raised its other hand over the Doctor's head, preparing to administer the killing shock.

Wait a minute - a radiator? _Oh, yes!_

Shakily reaching up behind him, the Doctor grabbed the steam valve and twisted it as far as it would go.

The Rutan screamed as a stream of the vapor burst from the pipe and smacked it right in the face. It staggered back, scalded, then morphed back into its natural form and crumpled to the floor weakly.

Standing back up, The Oncoming Storm loomed over his unfortunate foe. "Tell me where the ray is."

It recoiled sullenly, but also with a hint of fear.

_**"Tell me!"** _the Doctor shouted, all his patience now used up.

_In the tower...in the great tower..._

It watched the Doctor think this over, shoot yet another dark look in its direction, then turn and run off. When it was sure he had gone, it slowly rose back into the air.

Age, it thought, had made the Time Lord most unwise.

* * *

Emerging from the Royal Society, the Doctor found the streets clogged with hordes of screaming people fleeing in every direction except towards the harbor. "Excuse me, fate of planet in hands!" he yelled as he weaved through the crowd and headed for the Tower of London. Why hadn't he seen the device when he was there last?

He was fighting against the tide, but eventually he reached the castle and burst into the empty courtyard. Odd; it seemed like a good place to set the thing up.

_No, no, it needs to be higher up. _Not through a window, they were too small. The Doctor's eyes went to the roof, searching for a sign of the machine. Nothing.

But if it wasn't here, there where was it? Not too many towers in London -

Then, above all the panic, he heard the bells of Big Ben ringing out the time. And he was the only one who saw a large, long piece of metal sticking from the side of the clock and pointing up at the sky.

He quickly suppressed his urge to panic as he estimated the distance, only to let it rise up again. The Rutan was probably there already; he'd never make it in time...

_Vwoorp, vwoorp, vwoorp._

And now he was hearing things. But the noise got louder, and he turned around just in time to see his ship materialize before him.

"Are you sure he's out there?" Charles asked, cautiously reaching for the door handle.

The words had hardly finished leaving his mouth when the doors of the TARDIS slammed open, knocking him backwards. "We've got to hurry!" the Doctor yelled, running to the console. "Donna, hold down that lever until the blue light goes off! Strax, the mallet's not a weapon! Charles, shut the doors, will you? Excuse me, got to get at the stabilizers," he said to Victoria, then did a double take. She merely glowered at him, while the pirates behind her shrugged.

"What's the rush for?" said Pirate With A Scarf. "We have time."

"Not anymore." The Doctor looked at his companions, who by now had gathered around him. "Listen," he said, "if you want to leave, I understand. If not, then what we're about to do is _unbelievably_ life-threatening and may or may not bring about the end of the world. Just so you know.

The pirates stared at him for a moment. Then the captain said, "Well, sounds pleasant enough."

"Doesn't it?" the Doctor replied with a grin. "Your Majesty, I don't know if you should - "

"Just fly this contraption!"

"...stay." It was no use arguing, he could tell.

"Doctor, it's ready!" Donna said.

"Everyone hang on to something!" Bringing up the monitor, the Doctor punched in some coordinates, flipped a switch and grabbed the console. _"Allons-y!"_

* * *

In the few seconds it took for the churning and shaking of the TARDIS to cease, Strax had already prepped his gun. "For the glory of Sontar!" he cried, running for the doors.

The Doctor locked them from the console. "No guns," he commanded as he strode past the Sontaran, sonic screwdriver back in hand. "And it's not stealthy, either."

"Where exactly _are_ we, Doctor?" asked the Pirate Captain.

"Somewhere you're never going to be again." Pushing open the doors, the Doctor led them out into the heart of Big Ben.

Gears as large as tables lined the walls and filled the air above their heads. Four giant clock faces surrounded them from all sides. Even further up, the walls sloped together into a steeple held up by thick iron rafters. The only light came from a large hole punched in the roof. On the rafters below it sat a flimsy wooden platform, and on that sat a metallic block-like structure supporting a metal dish from which protruded a long cylinder of green crystal which stretched outside.

The Doctor readied his sonic screwdriver and walked towards a hanging chain which led up to the platform. "Stay here while I disable it - "

_NEVER!_

In half a second, the Rutan had dropped down from the shadows and landed on the Doctor, sending shocks through his body. He collapsed on the floor, his screwdriver slipping from his hand and rolling off. Rising back up, the creature floated towards the cowering humans. _Surrender yourselves now,_ it said, _and you_ _shall perish now._ _Refuse, and watch your planet die._

**POW!** A red laser beam came shooting towards the Rutan from its right, barely missing it. "We were here first!" Strax cried, angrily recharging his gun as his enemy advanced upon him.

Breaking from the group, the Pirate Captain and Pirate With A Scarf hurried to the chain and started climbing up it. The green cylinder, they saw, was already beginning to give off an ominous glow.

"Doesn't look very fireproof," the captain said as he stepped onto the platform and prepared his makeshift flamethrower. "Hurry up, Number Two - "

_"CAPTAIN!"_

The Pirate With A Scarf was clinging to the chain by a single hand, looking down in terror as the Rutan swiftly floated up towards him.

"Oh no you don't!" Running forward, the Pirate Captain slammed down on the sprayer just as the creature reached his first mate.

With an ear-splitting shriek of agony, the Rutan erupted in a burst of flames. It flailed around in the air, desperately trying to grab the pirates with its tentacles, but they had already backed away to safety. Its strength spent, it uttered one last piteous scream and fell downwards onto the whirring gears. _Squish._

The captain barely suppressed his urge to throw up at the sight. "Oh, my..."

"Sir!" The Pirate With A Scarf was already standing beside the now-shaking machine. "Sir, I think we need to make this quick!"

Striking another match, the Pirate Captain aimed his invention at the contraption, pressed the sprayer, and...nothing. He stared at it incredulously for a moment, then tried and failed again. "For pity's sake, that's just not _cricket!"_

The Pirate With A Scarf looked at what he assumed were the controls. Rows of small, unmarked buttons were set in one end of the block. Next to them, a hole had been carved out of the block, and inside it sat a silvery lump of metal tied up in wires. And just above those two was a little rectangular screen where numbers were counting down. Thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight...

He tried punching all the buttons, but none of them seemed to do anything. Then he tried getting the metal out, but it was too hot to touch. _Think, think, **think...!**_

Then he saw it. On the back of the dish - two handles. And through the hole, he could see the harbor and the warship. _That's it!_

Five, four, three...

Gripping the handles, Pirate With A Scarf wrenched the dish downwards and pointed it right at the boat.

Two, one, _zero._

And then the world turned to green light.

* * *

**Okay, I lied. I was planning to set the Rutan on fire long before the Oscars aired, although having it get crushed by the gears was a spur-of-the-moment thing. But seriously, giving Best Animated Feature to Brave was inexcusable.  
**

**I'm just gonna go ahead and cut this chapter short, since it's pushing 3,000 words and was originally going to be a few hundred more. Don't worry, the next chapter is still the last one. Until then, my pretties!**

**~ A. Kingsleigh**


	14. Chapter 14: Time Well Spent

**DISCLAIMER: If you recognize it, it's not mine.**

* * *

Bit by bit, everything came back into focus. "Number Two? Are you alright...?"

The Pirate With A Scarf found himself lying on his back. The Pirate Captain was at his side, looking down with concern and holding four fingers over his face.

"Did it work?" he asked, sitting up. Green flecks still hung in the air, and the machine was now dead.

"Did what work?"

"The warship...is it...?"

He got back on his feet, and the two pirates walked back to the hole and peered outside.

The sun remained, but the QV2 had vanished.

"Well, _blow me down!"_

The rest of the crew erupted into cheers. "He's done it! Scarf's _done it!"_

"That he has," said the captain proudly as he and Pirate With A Scarf climbed down the chain back to the floor.

The Albino Pirate raised a hand. "Done what, exactly?"

"Saved the sun by getting rid of the warship _that's_ what!"

They all gaped at Pirate With A Scarf, who just smiled. "With all due respect, sir, you're the reason I lived to do it."

"Shall we have a Ham Night for both of ya, then?" asked Pirate With Gout as the others nodded in agreement.

"A fine proposal, lads **—** "

_Click._ "You're not going anywhere."

It came as a surprise **—** they'd completely forgotten she was there. The pistol, on the other hand, was just annoying.

The Pirate Captain looked from the gun to Victoria and back again, not sure how to respond. Finally he settled on "Why...?"

"Oh, come now. Did you honestly think I would just _let_ you ruin my plans?"

"No, really, _why._ The ship's _gone,_ Vicky."

She laughed at him. "The blueprints aren't! I'll just make another one! And I won't need those talking potatoes to help me this time. The world shall be at _my_ mercy alone!"

As she spoke, the Doctor gradually regained consciousness and stood back up. The others watched as he slowly walked up behind her. "Ah, yes, lovely plan. Except for that tiny little bit that goes and ruins the whole thing. A shame about that bit."

Turning around, Victoria trained the pistol on him. "Whatever you're doing, it won't **—** "

The Doctor merely placed his fingers on her temples and closed his eyes.

Victoria dropped the gun as she stiffened and gasped for air. It lasted only a moment, and then she quietly slumped to the floor asleep.

His work done, the Doctor looked up at the shocked faces of his companions. "Best if we're not around when she wakes up."

* * *

One trip to the palace later, the TARDIS faded into existence back at the empty dock of the harbor. Its occupants filed out, and the pirates breathed a sigh of relief as they saw their boat sitting in the water unharmed.

Strax looked around. "Where are my fellow soldiers?"

"On the warship looking for me, I should think," the Doctor answered. _"Well, _more like looking for you by now. They'll be coming to take you back home soon."

"Let them come!" the Sontaran declared. "The thought of punishment strikes no fear into my heart. Because of today, Doctor, I have known and conquered _true_ fear! And for that, I owe you a debt. If ever you should need my assistance, sir, I shall mostly gladly provide it."

The Doctor nodded his head in respect. "I'll keep that in mind."

"Farewell!" Turning on his heel, Strax marched off down the street. The pirates watched him until he vanished, then kept looking at the road anxiously.

"Don't worry," said the Doctor. "She's not coming."

"Doctor," the captain asked, "are you _quite_ sure she's forgotten all of this?"

"She's forgotten that she ever any of met us. It's all been pushed to the back of her head and locked up."

"But what if she sees us again?"

"Well, in the best case scenario, her subconscious would undergo slight stimulation that would trigger a partial reversal of the effect - "

"Doctor, you're rambling," Donna said bluntly.

"Simply put, she'd find us a bother and have no idea why." _Which explain a lot, come to think of it. _"But if I were you," he continued, "I wouldn't come back here again. Just to be safe."_  
_

Mr. Bobo rolled his eyes. _**Oh. The. Horror.**_

The Pirate With A Scarf noticed that people were starting to venture back towards the harbor, peeking out from behind corners and inside barrels. "We ought to be off, sir."

"See to the sails and things, lads," said the captain. "Be with you in a moment."

The other pirates hurried off, and Donna stepped into the TARDIS, leaving the Doctor and the Pirate Captain alone. "Where will you be going?" the latter asked.

"Don't know yet. There's too much to choose from," the Doctor answered. "You could come along if you want. Just for one trip."

The Pirate Captain seemed for a moment to be on the verge of nodding his head, but instead he shook it. "If I did," he said, "I'd never want to come back again."

The Doctor smiled all the same. "Yeah, it does that."

"I have one question, though..."

"And what might that be?"

"How did you learn so much about us?"

He stepped closer to the captain. "On the other side of the universe, there's a library as big as a planet. Every book that's ever been written, all there."

"Don't tell Chuck. You'd never get him out."

"And after a really, really, _really_ bad day that I had a long time ago, I went there. And I found some books. I found the stories that you're going to write of your adventures, and...no matter how much you messed up, you always managed to fix it in the end."

The captain stared at him in wonder. "Really?"

The Doctor nodded. "Sounded pretty good to someone like me," he said sincerely.

"She's ready, Cap'n," said Pirate With Gout as the crew returned.

The captain tipped his hat to the Time Lord. "A pleasure to have made your acquaintance, Doctor."

"Pleasure's all mine." With a wave of his hand, he stepped into the police box and closed the door. Which he opened three seconds later. "Almost forgot!" Reaching into the pocket of his coat, he pulled out a slightly melted lump of silver metal and tossed it to the captain. "Ruthenium. I'd say that bit's worth about...oh, a treasure room or two."

He shut the door again. After a few moments, the light atop the TARDIS began to flash, and the crew watched in amazement as the machine gradually faded away.

* * *

"Nice blokes," Donna said as they floated in the Time Vortex. "Even that Sontaran. You think he'll turn out alright, Doctor?"

"Betrayal of the army is punishable by death," the Doctor answered. _"But, _since he didn't bring about any major damage to the cause, they'll probably demote him to nurse. Saving the wounded **—** fate worse than death for a Sontaran, really."

"That'll do 'im a good turn." She was quiet for a moment, then asked, "Why'd you give 'em the ruth-whatever?"

"Oh, they'll be needing it in a while," he said with a chuckle. "Tell you later. _Any_way, where should we go next?"

"Let's see more pirates," she answered eagerly. "All these alien planets when we coulda been hangin' out with Jack Sparrow! There is a Jack Sparrow, right?"

The Doctor's face grew grave. "Donna," he said somberly, "there is no Jack Sparrow."

He briefly considered telling her that there was, in fact, a Guybrush Threepwood, but he didn't think she would find it nearly as interesting. "You know, there's this lovely little place called Shan Shen..."

* * *

A hush fell over the Barnacle's Face as the door opened and a familiar bearded figure and his crew stepped inside. _The Pirate Captain? What's **he** doing here?_

Looking around, the captain casually leaned against the bar. "So," he said with a broad smile on his face, "who wants to hear how we helped save the world?"

Outside, Albino Pirate was staring anxiously up at the sky. It was almost time again...

But instead of the tiny light above his head being snuffed out, another reappeared next to it. And another, and another, and another still.

The stars were coming back.

* * *

**And so ends what will most likely be the most bizarre story in this little series. Nevertheless, I hope you all enjoyed it and that you stay tuned for my future endeavors. See you at the next one!**

**~ A. Kingsleigh**


End file.
